


Trust Me

by metalmanvld



Category: Megadeth, Metallica
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Recovery, Slow Build, present day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-04
Updated: 2015-07-09
Packaged: 2018-04-07 15:56:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 24,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4269339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/metalmanvld/pseuds/metalmanvld
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(Sequel to "We Only Live Broken")</p><p>Dave Mustaine is finally free. He's away from his abusive bandmates, safe with his old friends in Metallica. Despite the horrible memories of his time with Megadeth, he's beginning to dig himself out of the hole originally left by being kicked from Metallica. He's rebuilding his life as he recovers. However, for anyone, nothing good ever lasts long. With his former Megadeth bandmates bitter about his depature, and something he's not quite sure of developing between him and James, can he keep it together? Or will he crash back to the ground like before?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Written a few months ago and originally posted on rockfic.

Dave's POV

I stared up at the huge house in front of me, a faint smile on my face as the sense of freedom rushed through me. This was it. The Metallica house---along with me, the ex-guitarist.

 _No_ , I said to myself. _Don't think about that. It's in the past now. All is well, they let you back into their house, somehow..._

My face fell a bit as my thoughts took a turn. Truth be told, I didn't feel as though I deserved any of what the guys were giving me, but James had assured me that everything was resolved and he wanted me to be here. 

_But what if he doesn't?_ I thought, now staring at the ground. _What if he's just taking pity on you cuz he thinks you're some kind of victim---_

"Hey." James began, setting a hand on my shoulder and drawing me away from my thoughts. "What are you thinking about? You were smiling a moment ago but it disappeared."

"Do you really want me here?" I asked, looking up into his bright blue eyes. 

"Why wouldn't I?" he told me honestly. "Everything from the past has been solved. I want you here, the guys want you here... Everything's gonna be fine."

"I just..." I sighed, staring back to the ground. My eyes welled with tears and I let my hair fall over them, avoiding his gaze. "I don't feel like...you know...like I deserve all this effort you're putting into helping me."

"Dave." He put his hands on my shoulders and I looked up at him. A promising smile was spread across his face and I felt a faint smile come to mine. "Everything will be okay. I know it'll be difficult in the beginning, but everything is gonna get better as time goes on."

As soon as he finished his statement, he pulled me into a hug, and a real smile came across my face for the first time in a while. I grinned as he let me go and I looked up at the house once more, ready to begin this new life.

We entered moments later, and I took a moment to look about the place, simply taking everything in. James draped an arm over my shoulders as the rest of the guys scattered to relax again and I smiled a bit.

"I remember that." I sighed. "Every time we would return from tour, they'd waste no time in getting all their stuff put away and relaxing when done."

"Good times..." James mused, and I nodded, trying to forget all the pain and heartbreak I had experienced years later. "So, anyway, I'll show you around."

"Yeah..." I stated. 

He smiled as he led me around the house, showing me all the guys' rooms and where I could stay. He assured me that everything would be fine, that his room was just across from mine, so I could talk to him about anything at any time.

"James...I just..." I began as I stood in my new room. I turned to him and he stared at me with a big grin on his face. He chuckled as I suddenly threw my arms around him, and patted me on the back. "Just...thank you. Thank you so much..."

"Of course." he said softly. I released him and he put a hand on my shoulder. "Now get your stuff all unpacked. Make yourself at home."

I grinned as he left the room, leaving me alone and able to process my new life. I sighed, flopping back on the bed and staring up at the ceiling. I was actually here, in the Metallica house, after so long. They had actually accepted me after all the shit I had put them through in the past.

_"Listen, Dave...we have talked about this, but...it's just getting out of hand. We...we can't have you here anymore."_

My face fell and I shook my head. _No_ , I thought. _Don't think about that now. This can be a good day. Think about better times._

Better times...

_I sat on the floor, awkwardly hugging my knees to my chest as I watched the bottle in front of me spin over and over. I looked over my options: several hot pieces of ass were sitting with us, as well as my bandmates. I could either make out with some sexy babe, or lock lips with another dude._

_I sighed, grinning as the bottle landed on some blonde in a red dress, and Lars leaned over to sloppily connect his lips to hers. Who had even suggested this? Spin the bottle was so juvenile, something that guys in a metal band should not be playing at their party. Whose idea was this, really? I bet it was Ron, he's been eying the hot brunette across from me all night._

_"Dude, check this out." Ron whispered, and I rolled my eyes as he held up a small magnet for me to see. "I put another one in the bottle. That way, when Nicole over there spins it, she'll definitely get the best."_

_"Yeah, sure, man, alright." I muttered, watching as the girl, Nicole, giggled as she spun the bottle. Ron held his magnet closer, the biggest shit-eating grin appearing on his face as his "perfect plan" worked out. Before this Nicole could even react, he was already in front of her, their tongues already colliding as they basically ate each others faces._

_"Ugh, guys, come on, get a room!" Lars called, and Ron flipped him off before coming back to sit beside me again._

_"Wanna try it?" he asked as James spun the bottle, smirking at a black-haired girl with a sleeve of tattoos. He handed it to me and I rolled my eyes._

_"I don't need to cheat at your stupid little party games." I muttered. I noticed him giving me a strange look, and glanced up to see everyone giving me the same stare. "What? Did---oh..."_

_I looked down, only to see that the bottle had landed on me, since I had been holding Ron's magnet. He smirked, and I heard him whisper "works every time" before I noticed James. He seemed frozen in time, his cheeks getting redder by the second._

_"Well, you know the rules." Ron snickered, and I shoved the magnet back to him as he burst out laughing._

_"Ummm...you don't...uh..." James stammered, trying to hide his face behind his mane of blonde curls. It was actually kind of adorable, if I say so myself. Wait, did I seriously just think that? No, it wasn't me, it was...there was definitely alcohol involved in this, right?_

_"They obviously want it." I remarked, and he smiled slightly as Lars and Ron cheered "Yeah! Get it on!" over and over. "I guess we'd better get it over with, then."_

_"Uh...okay...." he whispered shyly, and I moved closer to him as the guys and girls both went wild. I didn't really know what I was doing, so I simply imagined he was a hot blonde girl and pressed my lips to his._

_He didn't react at first, but in a few moments, I felt his lips moving against my own, and figured that he was imagining the same thing. I heard the guys and girls all cheering, and a few snaps indicating that pictures were being taken, but I barely noticed. As the kiss went on, I found myself forgetting that I was making out with James, and pushed him to the floor, climbing on top as our lips stayed connected._

_The cheers were beginning to die down, and the "yeah!"s were being replaced with "oooh"s and "yeah get it"s instead. I slowly entered my tongue into James' mouth and he moaned slightly. His hands began to travel up my shirt as I weaved my hands through his long mess of blonde curls._

_By the time we separated, the whole room was silent, and several of the people in our circle had excused themselves. I looked down at James as we both panted, and he slowly retracted his hands to himself and sat up. I felt my cheeks heat up, and a deep red was settling on his face as well. I glanced behind me, noticing Lars and Ron watching with stunned expressions._

_"So...who's next?" Ron asked, breaking the silence. I gave James a look and he grinned, hiding his face behind his blonde mane. I won't lie, I did quite enjoy the events that had just transpired. We would definitely need to talk about it, though---_

"Hey, Dave, we're going...uhhh...." I heard Rob say, and snapped from my thoughts to realize that I had been staring at the ceiling with a stupid grin on my face. Probably looked like some lovesick teenager too, ugh...

"What?" I asked, sitting up as my face heated up. I hadn't meant to get so caught up in that flashback; it had just begun and I had done nothing to stop it.

What is going on with me lately?

"We're just going to pick up the rest of the equipment." he explained with a slight smirk and I nodded, rolling my eyes as he snickered a bit. "Just letting you know."

"Alright." I stated, and he smiled slightly before leaving me alone, and I flopped back on my bed, assuming my original position. I didn't want to get caught up in another flashback from the time we had been young and dumb, so I grabbed one of my guitars and began to lose myself in my playing, just like I always would.

However, as my fingers flew over the fretboard, playing the heavy melodies from all the years of being in Megadeth, I felt my chest beginning to ache as my fingers slowly came to a stop. I couldn't even play my own songs without being reminded of them.

I slowly set my guitar to the side, burying my face in the pillow. I thought by coming here, by staying with the people that are truly my friends, my mind would drift away from the horrible years with Megadeth. My shoulders shook as I sobbed, bringing my knees to my chest and letting the tears stream down my face.

I thought I could get over them.

I always thought I knew everything. 

When in truth, I never know anything.


	2. Chapter Two

I wasn't sure how long I had laid there until I heard the front door slam shut, but by now, I was just lying face down on the bed, completely numb. I had known that it would be difficult to move past the memories of my bandmates' abuse, but somehow, I hadn't known it would be this hard. Flashbacks were running through my mind a mile a minute as I simply laid there, unmoving and unfeeling.

_"You think this is a fucking game?!" Shawn screamed, storming over to me. I covered my face as he roughly grabbed my wrist, pulling me towards him so he could glare at me with hate. Dread filled me as I smelled the alcohol on his breath, and I knew that this night would end in disaster if I said the smallest thing to push him over the edge._

_"I'm sorry..." I said, barely above a whisper, and I winced as he threw me against the wall, gripping my shoulders tight enough to leave bruises._

_"You always fucking say that!" he hollered, backhanding me hard across the face. "Do you even know what it means?! When you say you're sorry it means you won't fucking do it again! And you just keep fucking up!"_

_"I know...." I whimpered as he smacked me again. Blood began to drip from my nose as I looked down at the floor. I knew that what I had done was wrong, but I couldn't stop myself at the time. I had encountered Lars in the market earlier today, and Shawn had caught us talking and laughing like the old days. It seemed as though he'd been stewing over it all day, and only decided to unleash his anger once he had become intoxicated._

_"You're a goddamn selfish prick, you know that?" he seethed, grabbing my shoulders roughly and forcing me to look into his furious eyes. "What, are we not good enough for you or something?!"_

_"They never hurt me like this." I said without thinking, and he suddenly released me, simply staring as the silence persisted._

_"You fucking piece of shit." he growled, and without warning, smacked me hard across the face again, sending me falling to the floor. I looked up in fear as he grabbed me and began to beat me mercilessly, screaming about how I have so much, and how I never appreciate any of it._

_I felt terror run through me as I realized that he could possibly kill me tonight, so, risking a few more punches, I turned to the wall and screamed as loud as I could, trying to ignore Shawn's relentless beating._

_It wasn't long before the cops showed up, and Shawn was dragged away in a fit of rage. The neighbors had heard the fight, and had probably saved my life that day. If the police hadn't been called...I could have been killed by my own bandmate._

"Dave?" I heard James' familiar voice say, and flinched as he put a hand on my back. I slowly turned to look up at him, sighing as I sat up. He draped an arm over my shoulders and I stared at the floor. "You alright?"

"I thought I could forget." I explained, my voice breaking as I attempted to keep myself together in front of him. "I thought...I don't know, by coming here I could create a new life for myself. Forget about the years with Megadeth. I can't even play my own songs without being reminded of them. I...I just..."

"Dave." he said, stopping my rambling, and I looked up at him. He gave me a small smile. "You just got here. I totally understand if you're not used to it yet. Listen, these things take time. Any time something like this happens to anyone, it takes a while to move past it. Give it time, and it'll all be okay in the end."

I just sat there, a slight smile on my face as I ran his words over in my head. Time heals all wounds is basically what he was saying. Whilst it wasn't always the truth, I had a feeling that if I just gave it time, I could possibly rebuild my life as it was before this whole disaster.

"....Thank you." I said after several seconds, and he smiled. He patted me on the shoulder before standing to leave, and I flopped back on the bed, picking up my guitar once again. Instead of playing the riffs that reminded me of my bandmates' abuse, I began to think of something new. I grinned as it came naturally to me, my fingers flying over the fretboard as possible lyrics ran through my mind.

I may have fallen, but in the end, I knew I would get back up.

ONE WEEK LATER

" _I'm drowning in the hole you left, when you shot me straight through the chest..._ " I sang softly, shredding out another riff as I stared up at the ceiling. I smiled a bit, sitting up and setting my guitar to the side as I wrote the lyric in my songbook. 

I wasn't sure what it was, but after staying in the Metallica house for a week, I had begun to get used to the lifestyle and ways of my friends. Despite the nightmares of the time in Megadeth, I was beginning to recover from all of that and slowly climb out of the hole I had fallen down years ago. I no longer had to wake up to my bandmates screaming at each other, or flinch away when someone brushed past me.

I still wondered exactly what I was going to do now that I was out of Megadeth. By now, it was obvious that we had broken up for good, and I had no idea where I could find myself. I still wanted to make music, but I wasn't sure who to make it _with_.

"Hey, Dave." I heard James say, and for once, I didn't flinch or look down. I was getting a bit better with that, even though I was still a bit nervous around the lot of them. "You workin' on something?"

"Sort of." I told him, shrugging. I didn't know if whatever I was writing would become a full song; I was just brainstorming right now.

"We're having a party tonight." he explained, leaning on the doorframe. "The guys from the tour are leaving town pretty soon, so this is like that "end of tour" party or something. Just letting you know if you wanna come down."

"Maybe." I told him, and he smiled, closing the door as he made his way back downstairs. I picked up my guitar once more and stared into space, losing myself in the heavy riffs. Whatever this song would be, it would need to be a meaningful one.

" _My wounds had almost healed before you ripped them open again..._ " I sang, taking a break to write it down. I didn't have a title for the song yet, but I had a basic idea of what it would be about when it was done. 

About half an hour later, after writing a couple more verses and about half of a solo, I heard the first signs of a party downstairs. I rolled my eyes as I heard Tom screaming, and loud metal music begin to pound through the house.

I wondered what James was doing or where he was. I knew that there would obviously be heavy drinking down there, and, whilst I had been clean for a while, I didn't have a problem with my friends partaking in the activity.

Setting my guitar to the side, I made my way downstairs, grinning at the display in the living room. People were headbanging, moshing, and just overall being metal as they partied like animals. Noticing James standing out on the balcony, I slowly made my way through the crowd of musicians, intending to talk with my friend.

"I'm so happy!" Joey shouted, grinning as he fell against a table. I rolled my eyes, though a smile stayed on my face.

"Good for you, man." I muttered, smirking as I pushed open the sliding glass door leading to the balcony. I made my way to James, who turned and smiled upon noticing me.

"Decided to join us?" he asked, turning back to what he had been watching before. It seemed as though he was just watching the party instead of participating, as his eyes were on the pool, full of cackling, drunk metalheads. I snickered as I watched a large bearded man toss Ozzy into the pool, and shook my head at the ridiculous display.

"I've been meaning to talk to you." he put in, leaning against the balcony.

"About what?" I asked.

"Just how things are going." he stated, and I shrugged. "Like...how have you been with this whole change."

"Better than I was." I told him honestly, and he smiled. "I feel like...I'm starting to climb out of the hole I've been in for years."

"Glad you're improving, man." he said, patting me on the shoulder. "Well, I'm just gonna go check on some stuff." He made his way to the door and took one last look at the madness in the pool before disappearing into the crowd inside.

I sighed, sitting in one of the chairs out here as I watched the insanity of the pool party. I stared up at the night sky, losing myself in my thoughts once more.

_Not a second later, I had already grabbed him and crashed my lips to his, and he brought his hands up to pull me closer. Blaming it on the alcohol, I climbed on top of him as he ran his fingers through my hair...._

My eyes widened and I shook my head, my face heating up as I tried not to think about... _that_. What was going on with me lately? Why did I keep going back to _those_ memories?

Was it possible that those "buried" feelings weren't exactly dead?

THAT NIGHT

_"Please..." I whimpered. "You don't have to do this..."_

_"Why did you fucking walk out, you pathetic piece of shit?!" Chris growled, his grip on my tightening. Standing in front of me was Shawn, holding a gun point blank at my head. No trace of emotion other than rage was visible on his face._

_"I...I didn't know what else to do..." I admitted, and I heard the sound of a pocket knife being clicked open before the cold blade pressed against my throat. I sucked in a breath as Shawn stepped closer to me, his gun never leaving my direction._

_"Dave!" I heard someone call, and I looked to see James running to me. I felt relief wash over me before Shawn rolled his eyes and turned to him. As soon as he pointed the gun at James, my eyes widened, and before I had the chance to say anything, he had pulled the trigger._

_"No..." I whispered as James fell to the ground, blood pouring from his chest. "Oh my god...OH MY GOD! NO! NOOO! JAMES!"_

_"Shut the fuck up!" Chris yelled, and Shawn shrugged before simply kicking James' body to the side. He looked up at me, his hands over his chest as his eyes said "I'm sorry" before the light finally faded from them._

_"NOOO!" I screamed. "JAMES! JAMES!!"_

"DAVE!"

My eyes snapped open, and the concerned face of James, very much alive, appeared over me. I sat up, and before I could say anything I instantly burst into sobs, burying my face in his chest as tears streamed down my face. He gently ran his hand through my hair as he rubbed my back with the other.

"Dave, it's alright." he whispered softly. "I'm here. What happened?"

I was too horrified to speak at the moment, so I stayed in the position I was in: my face buried in James' chest as he held me close.

Every time I started climbing from the hole I had fallen into, something would always bring me back to the bottom.

And right now...I didn't even think James could help me.


	3. Chapter Three

I slowly came back to reality, my eyes swollen and irritated as I stared up at the ceiling. I sighed as I shoved myself out of bed, wincing at the brightness of the room. I trudged to the bathroom, getting a good look at myself.

I looked horrible. As I had guessed, my eyes were red and swollen, and my face was pink and blotchy. My wild red hair was just that, sticking out in all directions, and when I looked into my eyes, all I could see was pain and defeat.

I sighed, splashing some water over my face in an attempt to clean myself up. I couldn't stop thinking about that nightmare. All I could feel was a deep pain twist inside my chest, ripping through my very being every time the images flashed through my mind again.

As soon as I looked a little bit better than I had, I slowly made my way to the kitchen, my head downcast as I dragged myself through the house. I sighed, sitting at the table and laying my head in my arms, trying to erase the horrible images from my mind.

It had seemed so _real._ The cold blade of Chris' knife pressing against my throat, the rage written across Shawn's face as he pointed his gun at me, the way James had come running to help before...

"Dave?"

I jumped when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up, and sighed in relief as I saw it was only James. He sat beside me, and I buried my face in my arms once again as I was reminded of the nightmare. He draped an arm over my shoulders and I let out a shaky breath.

"Dave, what's wrong?" he asked, and I lifted my head to look into his concerned blue eyes. Eyes that, just hours ago, stared up at me as he slowly bled out onto the ground, the life fading from them as he silently apologized for failing me.

_Everything._ "Nothing." I told him, though the way my voice broke said otherwise.

"You were screaming last night." he said, and I sighed. "Dave, look at me." I turned to look at him, and he brushed a tear off my cheek that I hadn't realized had fallen. "Tell me what happened. It helps to talk about it."

"I...I saw..." I began, struggling to keep myself together, even though I was failing already. "T-the guys...Shawn and Chris...t-they...Shawn had a gun, a-and...h-he was pointing it a-at me first...a-and...and then you came to save me and h-he...he..."

"...killed me?" James asked, and I nodded, burying my face in his shirt as I began sobbing once more. "Oh, Dave..." He rubbed circles into my back as he rested his head on mine. "You know I'd never let that happen..."

"H-ho-o-w?" I choked.

"I know I can't stop the nightmares," he began. "But I can tell you that I'll never let them do anything like that. I promise that I will never let them hurt you again."

"T-thank you, James..." I whispered, a faint smile appearing on my face. I lifted my head and he brushed the tears from my cheeks.

"Of course." he said, smiling as he patted my shoulder. He stood up and I followed suit. "The guys and I have rehearsal tonight. You know, so we can make sure we still got it after that tour, maybe write some new material. Just letting you know."

"I'll be okay." I told him, and he grinned, pulling me into a hug. I sighed as I rested my head on his shoulder, the horrible images of the nightmare beginning to fade as he just held me for a long moment.

"We're leaving in a few hours." he explained when we separated. "I don't know how long we'll be gone, but you'll basically have the place to yourself for a while."

"Alright." I stated, and he smiled before heading back to his room.

I was suddenly struck with an idea for the song I had been working on, and quickly made my way upstairs. As soon as I reached my room, I grabbed my guitar and flopped onto my bed, thinking about what James had said.

He would always be here for me. I knew he would never let anyone abuse me again.

I trusted him.

A FEW HOURS LATER

I stared up at the ceiling, a million things running through my mind. Several different lyrics, riffs, and other elements of the song were playing a mile a minute. I tried picking out a few that stood out most, but I couldn't tell which ones I liked best.

" _And somehow you brought light to my meaningless existence..._ " I sang, smiling as I sat up and wrote it down. Picking up my songbook, I studied the words on the page; the song was nowhere near complete, but what was written already meant so much to me.

I wondered exactly what I would do with the song once I finished writing it. I knew that I wanted to record it, but I didn't have a plan when that was done. Maybe I could release it under my own name, do a solo thing...

_Or maybe you can get a band together._ I thought, and I set my guitar to the side, flopping back on the bed and pondering this new idea. Could I put together another band, after all the years in Megadeth? Maybe I could get some guys together and create a new Megadeth, since I owned the name...

I was suddenly struck with an idea, which I immediately shot down out of fear. I could possibly call the guys from the earlier years with Megadeth, since they never abused me, but who's to say they wouldn't start? Maybe they'd get fed up with my constant fuck-ups like Shawn, Chris, and David did and start the cycle all over again.

Without realizing it, I noticed that I had picked up my phone and opened my contacts page, and I quickly put it down. However, I couldn't help but notice the name that stood out to me, the name that belonged to someone who would never abuse me like the others had.

Marty.

The last time I had seen him was at the big tour with all the metal bands. We didn't talk much, but just enough to catch up. He told me he was starting to play metal music again, and of course, I hadn't told him anything about what I had been going through at the time.

It's not like we had parted on bad terms; he had quit the band because he didn't want to play metal anymore. He was getting back into it now, however; I had asked him about it over the tour and he told me he had begun something new and was working on his own solo project. Maybe I could give him a call and discuss the possibility of reforming a band...

But first, we'd definitely need to talk.

Which is exactly what I planned to do.

I sighed, pressing the call button and waiting for him to pick up. _What if he doesn't want to talk?_ I thought. _What if he doesn't want to rejoin? What if he thinks you're going too fast? What if he changed his mind about playing metal music again? What if he found out that Megadeth broke up and thinks it's your fault? What if---_

_Breathe, Dave._ James' voice echoed in my head and I smiled a bit, sighing again and sinking back into the bed. I was about to give up when I heard his familiar voice finally pick up.

"Dave?" Marty asked.

"Yeah..." I began, a somewhat sad smile appearing across my face. "Yeah, it's...it's me, man."

"Hey, I was gonna talk to you more on the tour but I hardly saw you." he told me. "I'm actually glad you called. I would have, but...I wouldn't have known how to start, or if you would even want to talk to me. I was gonna ask, like...are you, you know, okay? You were acting really different when you talked to me."

"I was?" I questioned. I had been trying to be secretive around everyone; I guess I wasn't very good at lying to someone like him.

"Yeah, you were...I don't know." he explained. "Like...being really secretive, you wouldn't look me in the eyes...you were just overall acting like you were hiding something."

"I mean...okay, I was." I admitted. No point in hiding any more if I wanted to ask him to form a band with me again. "It's kind of a long story."

"I got time." he put in.

"Well...what do you want to know?" I inquired. I was so bad at things like this.

"Just why you've changed." he said. 

"Alright." I began. "So...Megadeth broke up."

"Wait, what?!" he asked incredulously. "When?! Why?!"

"Just recently." I explained. "It's...it's something I definitely needed."

"So where are you now?" he questioned.

"Actually...I'm staying with the Metallica guys." I told him, expecting to shock him again, but I only received silence. I had rendered him speechless, it seemed.

"Dude..." was all he said after several moments. "...I just...this...it's so much, you know?"

"There's so much more..." I sighed.

"We need to talk, man." he stated.

"Yeah, you wanna come over sometime?" I proposed. "The guys won't mind."

"I can now, if that's okay." he put in.

"Alright." I said. "You remember where it is, right?"

"Yeah." he said. "I'll be there in a bit. I want the full explanation."

"Right." I finished before he hung up, leaving me staring up at the ceiling once more. I felt a smile come to my face as the reality of what I just did hit me. I had actually talked to someone in Megadeth without breaking down in fear. I knew that Marty wasn't like the other guys that had abused me for years, but my walls were still built high against most.

Maybe getting a band together could change that.

LATER

"So...you just...left?" Marty asked, his big brown eyes still wide with shock. We were sitting in the chairs on the balcony, and I had been telling him the story of what happened with Megadeth for about an hour now. Right down to beginning of the abuse to when James had found out and saved me from my own band. I had given him all the details, and felt a lot better after that was off my chest.

"Yeah." I told him. "They didn't really...take well to it, and I have no idea what they're doing now, but...I'm just glad to be away from there."

"And how about you?" he questioned. He set a hand on my shoulder and I flinched a bit. I saw guilt flash in his eyes and I attempted to relax. "Are you doing okay now?"

"For the most part." I said, shrugging. 

"So, you said something earlier about wanting to start over." he began, and I nodded.

"Yeah, I mean..." I explained. "I still wanna make music, but I don't know who I want to make it with. I need someone who would...you know, not...not turn on me."

He sat back in his chair, staring up at the sky as he contemplated my proposal. I shifted nervously, wishing I knew what he was thinking. Did he want to make music with me, or did he not?

"I...I'm open to it." he finally said after several moments. "But...well, I gotta think about it first, alright? Nothin' against you or anything, it would just be kinda strange to just rush into it after so long. You know, it's been a long time since I've been in a band...I'm open to joining, but I'll have to think about it for a bit."

"Sure, man." I put in, standing up. He followed suit. "I completely understand. Hell, I don't even know where I wanna go with this thing. It's just a thought right now."

"You should go wherever you want to go." he told me. "When you get this project going, just do whatever you want with it. No one should have a say in what you do with your music."

I smiled, staring up at the sky as I let his words sink in. I looked back at him; he was smiling in that same way he had all those years ago, before we parted ways and I had experienced the worst of Megadeth. I chuckled, pulling him into a hug as I reminisced, simply grinning at the memories.

When we got this band going...I'd come back, and I'd come back stronger than ever.

THAT NIGHT

I tossed and turned in bed, attempting to relax in every position I tried, but failing miserably. I couldn't get my mind off a certain...dream I had had earlier, no matter how much I tried.

_"James...I need you..." I moaned, and he grinned lustfully, picking me up and crashing our lips together. My breathing got heavier as he entered his tongue into my mouth, and I began to slide my hands up his shirt as he threw me onto the bed, climbing on top._

No, stop thinking about that! I yelled at myself, running my hands through my hair in frustration.

_"Dave..." James growled, and I moaned as he pulled my shirt over my head._

_"Say my name again." I whispered, and he grinned as he leaned down and began to sensually kiss my neck._

_"Dave..." he breathed, and I closed my eyes as I panted harder, all but tearing his shirt off as he assaulted my neck with his hot mouth._

"Ugh..." I groaned, burying my face in the pillow. This was not what I wanted to be thinking about at three in the morning!

"Aa-aaah...Kirk..." I heard from across the hall, and I yanked the pillow over my head, not wanting to hear Kirk getting it, which he obviously was. Which I was in that dream....

_"I want you, Dave." James said, palming the front of my jeans. I moaned louder, and he began to kiss my neck again, sending waves of pleasure coursing through my body._

My eyes suddenly shot open as I realized exactly what I was doing.

It was clear by now that those feelings from the past were still alive.

I sighed. _Goddammit._


	4. Chapter Four

TWO WEEKS LATER

I sat on the edge of my bed with my guitar in my lap, simply staring at the wall. I had been trying to write more lyrics, but every time I would take my mind away from my playing, I would just be assaulted with more thoughts of James.

It didn't help that I had been having some...interesting dreams almost every night. The nightmares of the past abuse from Megadeth had all but ceased, only appearing about two or three times a week, unlike before, when I would have several per night. 

I wasn't sure which was worse: horrible memories replaying themselves, or my mind creating sex dreams about my best friend.

As I was able to think about it for the past couple weeks, I realized that my attraction to James had never been truly killed. Back when the band had just begun, I had a manageable small crush on him or something, and when we drunkenly made out a couple times, the feelings had multiplied.

It had hurt me so much when he had kicked me out of the band. Even though nothing serious ever developed between us, and getting rid of me and all my addictions was necessary, I still felt like he had broken up with me or something. After he had thrown me out, I thought I had killed any feelings I had had for him. He had broken my heart.

As it turns out, I had only buried those feelings alive.

And only now were they digging themselves out of the grave.

I wasn't quite sure what had triggered the revival of my attraction to James. The dreams, of course, were a main part of it, but something had to have triggered _those_. Maybe it was the way he would always be so nice to me, always know how to get me through this transition in my life...

"Hey, Dave?"

I jumped when I heard a voice at my door, and turned to the source, only to see Kirk standing there with his hands up in a non-threatening way.

"Shit, sorry, dude." he said quickly. "Marty's here."

"R-right, yeah..." I muttered, setting my guitar to the side and standing up. He gave me a confused look of concern as I walked past him, and put a hand on my shoulder to stop me from continuing to the door.

"Hey man, are you alright?" he asked. "You've been acting kind of weird lately."

"It's...hard to explain." I told him, the best thing I could come up with at the moment.

"Talk to me later." he suggested with a smile. "I'm usually good at this kind of thing."

"I don't know if _anyone_ can figure me out." I put in, and he shrugged. He gave me a friendly pat on the back before going back to what he was doing before. I took a deep breath, attempting to push away all thoughts of James for now before making my way to answer the door.

"Hey, man." Marty greeted with a smile, and I couldn't help but grin back. We had been talking for the past couple weeks about where we could go with the band, and, whilst he still wasn't sure what he wanted to do, he agreed to jam with me to hopefully figure things out.

"So...I talked to Nick." he began as soon as we got inside and sat down on the couch.

"You did?" I asked in surprise. Inviting him back to the band hadn't yet crossed my mind, since I'd been distracted by...other things lately.

"Yeah." he explained. "I told him that you're thinkin' about putting the band back together. I didn't tell him all the details, but he knows that there were problems with Megadeth and you guys are broken up now. He said he'd be all for it, actually."

"I'll talk to him." I stated and he grinned, picking up his guitar.

"So...you ready?" he asked, standing up. I nodded, grabbing my guitar and joining him in the middle of the room, where everything had been set up earlier today.

"Always." I told him with a grin.

A FEW HOURS LATER

" _But you've taken everything but my very being..._ " I sang, barely aware of my own playing and Marty shredding beside me. I had completely immersed myself in this song. " _You've somehow brought me out of my walls of self-destruction...you've done everything but erased the past...the present will never know what we've been through..._ "

And I screamed.

As I continued shredding with everything I had, an inhuman sound of anger, grief, anguish, and pain was ripped from deep within my very being. It was everything I had felt over the past years put into one screech that shook me to my very core as it reverberated through the house for several moments afterward.

My hair fell over my face as I averted my gaze to the ground for a brief second, simply attempting to bring myself back to reality. I looked up after several seconds of silence, glancing over at Marty, who was just staring at me with his jaw dropped.

"...I..." he began, seemingly rendered speechless. "Did...did you get that recorded?"

"Yeah..." I told him, still amazed at myself after making that sound. "Yeah, um...wow..."

"Wow..." he repeated, still amazed after that. I grabbed the recording device we had been using and switched it off.

I looked up, only to see that the Metallica guys had been standing on the staircase, obviously for quite a while, as they were shocked by what happened at our jam session as well. I grinned, suddenly feeling a bit shy as I noticed James staring at me. He smiled as soon as our eyes met.

I almost fell through the floor. Fuck, I sound like such a lovesick teenager right now!

"L-let's just..." I began, now slightly nervous in front of our audience. Especially since James was watching...dammit, why did I have to realize my attraction for him NOW?! "Yeah...let's just go back to, um...verse three, I guess."

"Sure." Marty said, beginning to play the heavy melody we had established earlier.

" _She was perfect 'til she lost her fuckin' mind..._ " I growled, headbanging as Marty and I shredded together in perfect harmony. I was attempting to concentrate on the song, which I could normally do, but with James watching me, I was having a difficult time remembering the words I had written.

I was sweating like a whore in church by the time the song ended. Whilst it wasn't yet complete, we had a basic outline of what would go into this by the time I had enough lyrics. I just wished James would stop looking at me like that, or that I would stop freaking out over it. It's just a pointless attraction, just like back in the day...

"Good set, dude." Marty commented with a smile, draping an arm over my shoulders. I grinned, switching off the recording device I had set up again. I looked up to the staircase, only to see that the Metallica guys were still there, giving me looks of approval and showing the metal horns gesture.

I noticed both James and Kirk giving me looks that said "we need to talk". I nodded in their direction and the two of them smiled in exchange. Who would I speak with first, though...?

"Hey, let's do some more stuff off _Rust In Peace_." Marty suggested, and I nodded, flipping the hair from my face as I brought myself back to my music. I attempted to forget about the guys watching me, especially James, but even as I shredded through _Hangar 18_ , I couldn't keep him off my mind.

I would never be able to just forget this like I had in the early days, it seemed.

LATER

I slowly made my way downstairs, trying to remember that no one was standing at the bottom enraged, ready to grab me by the hair and pull me down. It was something I still thought about, even though I had spent nearly a month away from that. I looked down, noticing Kirk sitting on the couch, as he had said in his text moments prior. His eyes fell upon me and he gave me a smile.

"So, what did you want to talk about?" I began, sitting beside him.

"Just...what's been going on with you?" he asked. I shrugged.

"Nothin' much...I told you I was thinking about putting Megadeth back together." I explained. "Marty's still considering it, he talked to Nick who's all for it, and I guess I could call Jamie*..."

"Yeah, I know." he put in. "That's not why you're acting different, though."

He knew me too well. I sighed. "What would you do if..." I started to say, trying to get my point across without being too obvious. "One of my friends is...attracted to one of the guys in his band. He wanted to know what _I_ would do in the situation, but I've never experienced something like that."

"Somehow I feel like it's not a friend you're asking for." Kirk remarked with a smirk. "Come on, dude, I see how you've been lately. Also..." He leaned closer to me, a big shit-eating grin appearing on his face. "James has told me the stories."

"Seriously?" I muttered, looking down at the floor as my face heated up.

"I don't have a problem with it." he pointed out. "Hell, I'm with..." He paused for a moment, his cheeks now going red. "Uh, never mind that for now. But really, I know you're attracted to James, and there's nothing wrong with that. I've heard the stories, you guys drunkenly making out at parties..."

"Yeah, yeah..." I grumbled as he snickered. Was I really that obvious about it? I guess Marty was right: I am a terrible liar when it comes to things like this. "I just...what do you do in a situation like this? How do I tell him? What if he doesn't share the attraction?"

"Well..." he began, looking up at the ceiling as he attempted to give me the best explanation. "I guess...look for signs, first. See if he gives you any hint of sharing the attraction. Have you noticed anything like that?"

"He's always there for me." I put in. "He was the first one I opened up to about the abuse from Megadeth. He always helped me move past the nightmares of those times, he's always cared, even after we hadn't seen each other for so long...he's just..."

"Hey, guys." I heard from the hallway, and my eyes widened when James made his way to the living room with a smile. I felt my face get hotter, if that was even possible. Had he heard any of that? "Kirk, can I talk to Dave?"

"Sure." Kirk said, giving me a smirk, and I rolled my eyes as I let my hair fall over them. He quickly made his way upstairs, and I took a deep breath before standing up to meet James' eyes. He smiled and put a hand on my shoulder.

"Let's go out to the balcony." he suggested, leading me outside.

"Why?" I asked as soon as we stood in the cool night air. He shrugged.

"It's a nice night." he pointed out and I nodded, looking up at the multitude of swirling stars in the black sky. "Anyway..." I looked back at him and he gave me a small smile. "I heard you and Kirk talking."

"Y-you did?" I questioned, slight fear making its way into my voice. He had heard me confessing my attraction for him to Kirk? How does one even react to something like that?

"Yeah." he explained. "I actually wanted to talk to you earlier, but I guess Kirk beat me to it. I've actually been...thinking about that as well."

"Really?" I inquired, still afraid of what he would say. He could either say he returned the attraction, or didn't want anything to do with me anymore. Fuck, what if it's the latter? He might think I'm disgusting, throw me out, leave me with nowhere to go...

"Dave." James said, setting his hands on my shoulders. I looked up at him, my eyes meeting his bright blue ones. "I can almost hear you thinking."

"I'm just...so nervous." I muttered, averting my eyes to the ground once more.

"About what?" he asked, his voice a bit quieter now. "Dave, look at me." I nervously met his gaze. "What's wrong?"

"Just...how you feel about this whole thing." I told him. "I just keep thinking of the worst case scenarios."

"Has a best case scenario ever crossed your mind?" he put in, and for the first time, I noticed how close we really were. My heart was pounding, and the only thing I could feel was James' hands wrap around my back and my cheeks heat up further.

"B-but...h-how would---"

I didn't get a chance to finish, as James had gently cupped my face and softly pressed his lips to mine. My eyes widened in shock, and for a moment, I was sure that I was dreaming. Once I was over my initial shock, I let my eyes slowly slip close as I kissed him back, wrapping my arms around him as we became one.

As soon as we separated, he gave me that smile once again, and I felt myself melt. He still kept a rough but gentle hand on my face, and I leaned into his touch.

"Y-y-you..." I attempted to say, not knowing how to react after the events that had just transpired. "You still---"

"Still?" he asked. "Who said I stopped?"

"You...y-you're attracted to...m-me?" I questioned.

"Always have been." he told me, and just like that, his lips were on mine again. I slowly kissed him back, still so afraid of ruining the moment. I had never done something like this sober; the last time we kissed, we had both been young, dumb, and extremely drunk.

Now was completely different. We were both completely sober, and, whilst the kisses back then were sloppy and hungry, all I could feel in this was passion.

"Let's not take this too fast." he whispered when we separated, and I rested my head on his chest. His heart was beating fast, just like my own, and I could tell that he was nervous as well. "Let's just see where this takes us, alright?"

"Yeah..." I breathed with a smile on my face, still in a dreamlike state after that. "Yeah, I'd...I'd like that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *James LoMenzo


	5. Chapter Five

_I stared up at the ceiling, rolling my eyes and falling back into my pillow as I groaned. I shifted about, attempting to find a comfortable position, but still unable to do so. For whatever reason, I was restless, even though our big tour was coming up very soon, and I needed to enjoy a good sleep whilst I could._

_I heard soft whimpers from the bed beside mine, and stopped shifting to listen. A moment later, the sounds turned into thrashing and heavy breathing. I listened carefully, only able to make out the words "I'm sorry" and "no" before the cries picked up._

_James, whom I shared a room with (as this apartment wasn't that big), must have been having a nightmare. It was something that happened sometimes, and as soon as it was over, I would always be there for him. I didn't know what it was, but seeing James like that brought out my soft side, something no one else could do._

_The thrashing stopped for a brief second, filling the room with a deathly quiet, before his soft sobs pierced the silence. I felt something twist inside me, and slowly slipped out of bed, making my way across the room and standing at the side of the bed. He was sitting up, facing the wall, his hands over his face. Seemingly sensing my presence, he turned around with an apologetic look._

_"Sorry, did I wake you?" he asked quietly, and I felt my chest ache at the broken sound of his voice. I sat beside him and draped an arm over his shoulders._

_"No, I can't sleep." I told him. "You alright, dude?"_

_"Yeah." he stated. "It's nothing, really..."_

_"Didn't sound like nothing." I commented. "Wanna talk about it? It usually helps."_

_"Well...we were in the car," he began. "And...I had apparently kicked you out of the band, and was driving you to the airport, I think. You just kept screaming at me, telling me you hated me, and then...and then a truck hit us, and the car rolled into a river...it was so realistic..."_

_"Hey, it's okay." I put in. "It wasn't real. You wouldn't kick me out, right?"_

_He snickered. "I don't know why I would." he remarked. He glanced at the clock for a second, which read 3:46 AM. "So...this might sound kinda weird, but...can you stay here tonight? I...I'm just...a little on edge after losing you in that nightmare."_

_"I...guess so." I told him, and he smiled, laying back down and inviting me to lay beside him. I felt a bit strange in the same bed with my best friend, but I pushed it aside when I let my head hit the pillow and found it actually comfortable._

_"I wish you wouldn't drink so much." James whispered as soon as we had settled. I sighed._

_"I...I'll try." I stated, knowing I couldn't promise. He nodded, moving a bit closer to me. I froze when he rested his head on my chest, but relaxed when I saw him smile slightly and close his eyes. I felt a smile come to my face as I wrapped my arms around him, feeling secure for the first time in a while as I let myself drift away....._

The morning light shining in my eyes is what woke me, and I groaned softly, squinting against the bright light. I sighed softly in contentment as I realized exactly where I was: wrapped in James' arms in his bed as he gently stroked my hair. Right where I had been thirty years ago in that dream.

_I guess history really does repeat itself._ I thought with a smile.

After James and I had admitted our attraction for each other last night, neither of us wanted to be alone after that, so he had invited me to his room for the night. As he wanted to take things slow, we hadn't...done anything, only fell asleep in each other's arms.

It was right now where I felt as though I was exactly where I needed to be. I had never felt more safe and secure than I have in this moment.

"Are you awake?" he whispered.

"Mhm." I murmured, and he opened his eyes, smiling as soon as he saw me. He gently kissed my forehead and a small smile came to my face.

"Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting for this?" he asked and I nodded.

"Just the same amount of time as me." I put in.

"You know...all those moments we shared..." he began, smiling as the memories came back to the both of us. "I never forgot."

"Me either." I admitted. "I've been having...dreams about that lately. Just did, actually."

"Oh, really?" he questioned. "What about?"

"Just that time you got me into your bed after having a nightmare." I explained with a grin. "Now look how the times have changed and the roles have reversed."

He chuckled. "I remember that." he said, sitting up and giving me a quick peck on the lips before standing up. "So...where are we now? Are we together...? What do you want for this?"

"Well, like you said, I think we should take it slow for now." I told him, sitting up as well. "Just...see where this takes us before we make things serious."

"Alright." he stated, and with that, he disappeared into the bathroom. I sighed, smiling as I let my head fall back into the pillow. Whilst James and I hadn't done anything last night, as just the thought of that terrified me, simply falling asleep in his arms was the most comfortable and safe I had felt in a long time. I used to wake up scared and defeated every morning, but as soon as James came into the picture, my life was better than it ever has been.

I slowly stood up, heading to my own room to prepare for the day. I had invited Marty over again, as he felt like he was getting back into playing metal music, and even felt almost ready to make a decision. I had also talked to Nick, who told me he was all for reforming the band, and coming back stronger and heavier than ever before. I hadn't yet called Jamie, but I felt like he would want to join the new lineup as well. Everything finally seemed to be coming together for me.

Megadeth was coming back...and we were coming back better.

A FEW HOURS LATER

" _And you may have killed me but I'm coming back agaaaain!_ " I screamed, headbanging as Marty and I shredded together in perfect unison. The sound of Nick pounding his drums in the background just added a whole new level of heaviness to this song I had been working on for the past few weeks. " _You think you can destroy me, but my old self is deeeeead!_ "

I felt like I was in heaven as I launched into the guitar solo, my wild red hair flying as I headbanged to the sound of Nick beating his drums with everything he had. Whilst I hadn't been sure about him rejoining, as his bad physical health is what brought him down in the first place, I knew that he had recovered as soon as we started. We sounded the same---no, better than we ever had with this new lineup. As soon as I got Jamie to come by, we'd have a band again.

" _I wasn't gonna stand by and watch myself..._ " I began, the song slowing down as I took a deep breath. " _DIIIIIIIEEEE!!_ "

I grinned as the three of us ended the song, and I gave Nick and Marty high fives before I heard cheering from above. Looking up, I smiled as I noticed the Metallica guys standing on the stairs again, all giving me the metal horns. I gave them a grin as I did it back, feeling like my life was finally together as Marty draped an arm over my shoulders.

"Dude, that was epic!" Marty told me, and I nodded, switching off the recording device I had set up again. "Seriously, as soon as we get Jamie and rehearse this a few times, we got a song!"

"Yeah..." I breathed, still in somewhat of a dreamlike state. I had forgotten how great it was to play music with people that were my true friends, since all the rehearsal sessions with Shawn, Chris, and David never ended well.

_Don't think about that now._ I said to myself, pushing it to the back of my mind. I was getting a lot better with moving on and forgetting the past. At this rate, it was almost as though the abuse had never happened.

In fact, it was obvious to everyone that I had pretty much recovered. Whilst I would always flinch away when someone brushed past me, I no longer had to do that. The nightmares had basically gone away, only appearing about once a week, if that. I was no longer who I used to be.

I had survived, recovered, and moved on. All thanks to the help from the Metallica guys.

And especially James.

LATER

"Just pick a movie." James fake complained, and I snickered. It was past nightfall by now; the perfect time to sit on the couch for a movie marathon. He had his arms around my shoulders, and I had my head resting on his chest. Once again, I felt in place and at peace.

"You're such a kid." I muttered, finally settling on some action movie that had come out this summer. I set the remote to the side, leaning back as the film began. James began to not-so-subtly run his fingers through my hair, and I sighed softly in contentment.

As the movie went on, I found myself paying less attention to the action on screen, and more to the man beside me. I looked up at him, and he smiled, leaning down to press his lips to mine. My eyes slipped closed as I wrapped my arms around his neck, and he climbed on top of me. I could tell by his body language that he didn't want this to escalate beyond just making out, so, feeling bold, I entered my tongue into his mouth and he moaned slightly.

"Hey guys, have you seen---WHOA." I heard someone say, and James sat up as we separated, only to see Lars standing in the doorway, his face red as he stood there flustered. "Uh...u-um...s-so you're...u-uh, wow...heh..."

Lars said nothing more as he awkwardly left the room, leaving James and me amused at his reaction. I felt my face getting a bit hot from getting caught, but James didn't seem to mind.

"I guess Kirk didn't tell him, then." James remarked and I snickered. His bright blue eyes met mine again before he resumed what we had been doing before. This time, he took things a bit further, slipping his tongue into my mouth this time. My hands slid up his shirt as his carded his fingers through my hair.

"I wanted to ask---and you're still doing it, okay..." Lars muttered, and James and I separated once again, glaring at him in fake anger.

"What do you want?" James said, trying to sound pissed, but only managing to sound amused. I noticed that we weren't exactly in the best position right now; with me laying back on the couch and James straddling me. He saw this as well, and his cheeks went slightly pink before he climbed off, and I sat up.

"So...you guys are together now?" Lars asked.

"Not exactly." I explained. "We're...taking it slow, if you will."

"Well...I mean, I knew you guys had _something_ going on." he explained with an awkward grin, still embarrassed about walking in on us making out. "Anyway, have either of you seen Kirk? He went out a couple hours ago and he hasn't come back."

"Maybe he got caught up in something." James suggested. Lars sighed.

"I hope so..." he said, leaving the room with a worried expression. I looked up at James.

"Where could he be?" I asked, realizing that I hadn't seen Kirk in a while as well. James shrugged.

"I don't know, but I'm sure he's okay." he reassured me. "He's probably at the guitar store; you know he could stay there literally all night."

"Right." I said with a smirk, and we fell into silence once more as we resumed watching the movie. I rested my head on James' shoulder and he wrapped an arm around me.

A knock at the door was what broke the comfortable quiet, and I paused the movie as I untangled myself from James.

"I got it." he told me. "Just stay here. It's probably Kirk, if he finally found the guitar he wanted."

I nodded, the couch feeling a bit emptier now that James was gone. I took that moment to simply think about what my life has become since arriving here. The Metallica guys had saved me from my abusive band, and, after about a month of living here, James and I had given into our attraction for each other. I wondered how my life would be if James hadn't walked in on Shawn about to possibly kill me. Would anyone have found out? What would Shawn have done if he did kill me? Would---

"Oh SHIT! KIRK!"

I jumped up, James' scream snapping me from my thoughts. I quickly rushed to the door, where I sight I had never wanted to see was laid out.

Lars was kneeling next to Kirk, who, from the looks of it, had been severely beaten. His arms and face were littered with bruises and cuts, and it looked as though he had been thrown to the ground a few times as well. Blood was pouring from his stomach, which Lars was trying to stop by pressing his hands over the wound. His clothes were torn and ragged, exposing more dark bruises and bloody slashes. James was holding him up, and it seemed as though he had knocked on the door only to fall to the ground a second later.

"What happened to you?" Lars sobbed, trying to wake the motionless guitarist. "Who did this to you?"

I felt a chill run up my spine as I noticed a small note in Kirk's hand, and knelt beside him to unfold it. As soon as I read the words on the paper, the world seemed to stop, and I could barely hear anything that was going on around me. James and Lars were saying something, but it was all lost as I felt a unbelievable rush of rage run through me as my eyes remained fixed on the paper I was holding.

The only words written there...

"You're not leaving."


	6. Chapter Six

My head was spinning and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I stared straight ahead, running my fingers over the words on the paper in my hands, with rage as the only emotion coursing through my veins. All the sounds around me seemed to stand out, and pierced through the thick, suffocating silence.

Lars sobbing in the backseat, with the unconscious Kirk's head in his lap. Rob attempting to reassure him, telling him it would be okay, but failing to hide the terror in his voice. James quickly and quietly driving to the hospital, his hand on top of mine and rubbing soft circles, trying to calm me down.

Despite all the noises in the car, the loudest sound was inside my own head.

_You're not leaving. You're not leaving._

The three words repeated themselves over and over, to the point where I felt like I was slowly losing my mind. They were the exact same words my former bandmates had said to me before I escaped their abuse, and simply seeing it written brought back all the memories of the torment I had gone through.

_"I can't stay any longer!" I shouted, covering my face with my arms as Chris grabbed a handful of my hair and shoved me to the floor. He roughly grabbed the front of my shirt and his hate-filled eyes met my terrified ones._

_"You're not fucking leaving." he growled, drawing back his fist and smashing me across the face. Blood dripped from my nose as he stood up and savagely kicked me in the side. "You're. Not. Leaving."_

_-_

_"You think you can just fucking run away?!" Shawn shouted, slamming me against the wall. His hand found its way around my neck and I weakly clawed at it, desperately attempting to get him to release me. He picked up a suitcase with his other hand and dumped the contents on the floor, revealing several of my shirts and other articles of clothing. "Where were you thinking of going?! Who's gonna fucking take in a fuck-up like you?!"_

_He suddenly released me and I gasped, trying to run from him, but he grabbed my hair at the last second, pulling me back. He grabbed my face roughly and forced me to look at him._

_"You need to get it through your fucking head: you're not leaving." he snarled. "You're not fucking going anywhere."_

_-_

_"Listen to me." David snapped, one foot on my chest as he stood over me. He leaned down and grabbed my face, and I fearfully met his eyes. "You may think you can fucking run away, you may think you can fucking find another band or something, but that's not gonna happen. You're fucking staying with us, and that's final. You're not leaving."_

"Dave." James called softly, snapping me from my thoughts. I noticed that he had stopped the car, as we had arrived at the hospital. I glanced out the window to see Rob carrying Kirk inside, with Lars following. I sighed, running my hands through my hair as he put a hand on my shoulder.

"I can't just let them do this." I muttered. I could hardly feel myself in my own head; I felt like a completely different person as the side of me that I had buried years ago began to emerge. "I _can't_ let them _do this_."

There was a monster in me: a vicious, raging demon that used to control me back in the day. This monster got me kicked out of Metallica, nearly destroyed Megadeth, and contributed to many of the lowest points in my life. It was my dark side, one that I hadn't let out in years.

And it seemed that the attack on Kirk from my ex-bandmates had fueled the fire and woken it again.

"Dave, it's okay." James assured, but I barely felt a thing. "I'll get it taken care of, and---"

"What will you do?!" I suddenly snapped, swinging the car door open and stepping out into the cool night air. I gritted my teeth as I gripped handfuls of my hair, feeling like I was losing myself. I wanted to murder someone. Better yet, I wanted to kill the monsters that had done this to Kirk. It was like I was being possessed.

"I don't have a plan right now, but---" James tried to explain, but I stopped him, turning around and giving him a look of death.

"Exactly." I seethed, the demon in me ripping through my very being and beginning to claw its way out. "I'm gonna find them. They need to know that they cannot- _and will never_ -fucking do something like this again. I'm gonna fucking kill the fuckers."

"Listen, just come inside." he suggested as my breathing sped up in an almost animalistic way. "We can see if Kirk will be okay, and we can figure out a plan to take these guys down."

"I have a plan." I muttered, and at that, turned away and stormed into the night. James grabbed my wrist, and my eyes widened as the monster in me was finally set free.

" _Don't fucking touch me!_ " I growled, violently shoving him away and wrenching myself free. He stumbled back a bit and I stormed away, ignoring his yells for me to come back. Taking a look back, I noticed that he was following me, and stopped, savagely pushing him away once again. "I said stay the fuck away from me!"

I began to run, ignoring his cries that he could help me. Fuck that, the only thing that can help me right now is giving these motherfuckers what they deserve! I glanced back one last time, only to be met with darkness and no sign of James. _Finally._

I was going to find the assholes that did this, and I was going to make them pay.

-

James' POV

I watched Dave run from me, a deep pain settling in my chest as he didn't look back once. I wanted to chase him, drag him inside, ask him what he thought he was trying to do, but what good would it do? He wasn't going to be deterred from his task of finding his ex-bandmates and making them pay for what they did to Kirk.

I took a deep breath, turning around and making my way into the hospital. With every step, the pain in my chest increased until it was nearly unbearable. I felt like I was betraying Dave as I pushed the doors open, not looking back at where he stood only moments ago.

It was like he was possessed when he shoved me away. Everyone, especially me, knew that he had a raging monster deep inside, which had led to his exile from Metallica back in the day. It had been so long since I'd seen him like that, and to see the demon in him escape again had honestly terrified me. He had become a different person.

As I looked about the hospital lobby, the pain in my chest spread throughout my body as I gazed upon the scene before me. Lars was sobbing into Rob's chest, who was holding him and trying to tell him it would be okay. I suddenly felt like I couldn't breathe, and quickly moved to sit on a couch on the other side of the room.

And I broke down.

I buried my face in my hands and sobbed, everything that I had held back for months finally rushing forth like a waterfall. Even through the events that had transpired recently, I hadn't broken down once; I was The Mighty Hetfield and had to be strong to support Dave.

"Dave..." I whispered, unable to imagine where he could be right now. He had run off to find his ex-bandmates and make them pay, but I knew that they could kill him without a second thought. Why didn't I go after him? Why did I listen to him when he screamed to leave him alone?

I had promised to never let them hurt him again...and I had failed.

I sobbed harder, tears streaming down my face as I silently apologized over and over. _I failed. I failed._ Even if I went back out and attempted to find him, he was probably long gone by now. _Dave...I'm so sorry. I promised you one thing and I failed. I fucking failed._

I felt the couch shift beside me, and a moment later, Rob had draped an arm over my shoulders. I took a deep breath, attempting to compose myself. I wiped the tears from my cheeks and looked over at him. He gave me a reassuring smile and I sighed.

"Go to him." he spoke softly.

"He pushed me away." I began, staring straight ahead as the events that had just transpired replayed over and over. "He said...I can't help him. He...there's a raging monster inside him, Rob. Back in the day, it was a bigger problem. It's what got him kicked out in the first place. I haven't seen it in so long...I just don't know what to do."

"You have to find him." he told me and I nodded. "He knows that you care about him. He may not know it right now, but deep down, he does. You have to try to convince him, and I know that you're the only one who can."

"You're right." I put in, standing up. He copied my motion and I pulled him into a quick friendly hug. "I'll find him before he gets hurt. Thank you, Rob."

"No problem, man." he said, patting me on the back. He glanced back to Lars, who was beginning to calm down, but still had tears streaming down his cheeks. "I'll take care of him. You go take care of Dave."

"I will." I stated, taking a deep breath before making my way back outside and into the cool night air. I began to speed-walk, picking up my pace as no sign of Dave made itself known. Panic began to rise in me as I ran faster, reaching the end of the street and frantically looking about.

"DAVE!" I screamed, hoping that he would call back, but there was no response. I dashed down the street, passing several buildings in my desperate search. "Dave! I'm sorry! Just please talk to me! _DAVE!!_ "

My breathing sped up as my sprint slowed to a fast walk, and I bent over, my hands on my knees as I panted hard. I felt a few stray tears drip down my cheeks, and began to walk again, desperately looking for any sign of Dave.

I had to find him before his ex-bandmates did. I absolutely had to.

But right now...even I was unsure of myself.

-

Dave's POV

I leaned against a wall, panting heavily as I attempted to bring myself back to reality. My sheer rage I had felt moments prior was beginning to wear off as the monster in me started to retreat. I looked about the street I was on, feeling fear begin to rise in me as I realized that I had no idea where I was. In my anger, I had just wanted to put as much distance between myself and James, but now that it was leaving me, regret settled in my chest as I recalled shoving James away when he just wanted to help.

Without warning, I was suddenly slammed against the wall, and I covered my face with my arms as all traces of anger were replaced by terror. I didn't have to look to know who had found me. I let out a shaky breath as I realized that this is what I wanted; I had run from James in order to find my ex-bandmates, and now that I had, I was paralyzed by fear as my arms were knocked away from my face and I was staring into the furious eyes of Shawn.

Chris and David were behind him as he held me against the wall, and within a moment, he had backhanded me hard across the face and pushed me to the ground. He kept a foot on my chest and I looked up at him, terrified of what the three of them could do. They could kill me, right here, right now, and it wouldn't even take a minute.

"It's funny how you think your fucking ex-band saved you." Chris began, kneeling beside me and roughly grabbing a handful of my hair. "When in truth...they didn't fucking do a thing. You've been with them for about a month now...such a shame that has to come to an end."

"W-what do you want?" I asked, flinching as Shawn grabbed the front of my shirt and pulled me up, shoving me against the wall once again. His face was inches from mine as his hate-filled glare met my fearful gaze.

"To go through all the fucking things we went through." he growled, slamming me to the ground again and roughly kicking me in the side.

"What did I ever do to you?" I whimpered, and David stepped forward, kneeling beside me and grabbing my face, forcing me to look at him.

"You fucked up everything." he hissed. "Everything was fine until you had to fucking keep leaving us for others. Fucking collaborating with them...you just kept fucking up every damn thing."

At that, he released me and stood up, and the three of them surrounded me. It was obvious that they had lost it, and it was obvious that James wouldn't find me.

Closing my eyes, I let myself finally resign to their imminent abuse as they descended upon me.


	7. Chapter Seven

"Listen to me." David growled, grabbing a handful of my hair and pulling sharply. I looked up at him, tears streaming down my face. "I never want to see your fucking face around here ever again. You fucked up, and you fucked up bad. We knew you'd come looking for us. Just another one of your fuck ups."

"W-wh--" I tried to say, but Shawn stopped me, roughly kicking me in the side. Pain shot through my ribs and I whimpered.

"I don't give a shit what happens to you." David snarled. "You could fucking die here for all I care. Whatever happens to us...I don't give a fuck. Maybe your little boyfriend will find out and fucking rescue you again."

My eyes widened and he smirked. "Yeah, I fucking know all about that." he muttered. His grip on my hair tightened and I let out a soft cry. "I don't fucking care what he does. He could fucking send us away or some shit, I don't care. Just as long as you get what you fucking deserve."

"W-why did y-y-you change?!" I choked, and he actually paused for a moment, his glare softening. "W-we used...we used t-t-to have... _something_! D-do...all t-those years...b-b-before a-all this...m-mean _nothing_ anymore?!"

He was silent for a moment, staring off into space for what seemed like hours. Even Shawn and Chris appeared shocked by my words, as their furious expressions had softened as well. Finally, David's expression contorted back to rage and he grabbed the front of my shirt with both hands, slamming me against the wall.

"Do you want to know why _I_ changed?" he hissed. "It's because _you_ fucking changed. I _know_ we had something. Whatever the fuck it was...it's fucking dead now, thanks to you. You fucked up when you started talking to those pieces of shit you left us for. Whatever we had is fucking _done_."

At that, he shoved me back to the ground, standing up and looking down with disgust before turning away, as if the very sight of me made him sick. Without looking back, he led Shawn and Chris out of the alley, leaving me sprawled across the ground.

As soon as I was sure that they were gone, I pulled my knees to my chest and buried my face in my arms. Tears streamed down my face as I sobbed to myself, David's words replaying over and over in my head.

We used to have something; something not unlike what James and I have now. We had never entered a relationship like James and I, but I figured that we may have if he had never betrayed me. We always used to be so close...and he threw it all away.

_No_ , I thought, more tears spilling down my cheeks as the realization hit me. _It was MY fault. If I had just kept to myself, if I hadn't talked to the guys...we might have still worked. It was ME. I fucked up. I fucked up and this is all my fault._

"F-f-fuc-c-k..." I choked, my chest tightening as I continued to sob into my arms. It hurt so much; both the physical and mental wounds. I clutched my side in pain, my ribs burning. _This would have never happened if I wasn't such a fuck up. What the fuck did I do wrong? Why is it always my fucking fault?!_

" _DAVE!!_ " I heard someone scream, and for a moment, I thought the band had come back to finish me off. But the voice that called was one of terror, and one I knew would save me again.

James. _As always..._

As fast as the call had pierced the night, the one who had called appeared at the entrance of the alley, and quickly rushed to me. He quickly swept me into his arms, and I sobbed into his chest as he gently ran his fingers through my hair, softly whispering that it was okay, that he was here now.

"Dave..." James murmured, looking over my body with concern and horror written on his face. "Fuck..."

He pulled out his phone with one hand, still stroking my hair with the other. It was something he had always done in an attempt to comfort me, but right now, I was a complete mess and wasn't sure if even he could help.

Through my choked sobs, I could vaguely make out James talking to Rob, telling him to come quickly. Within moments, the call had ended, and he had pulled me close again.

"Dave...I'm sorry." he whispered, and I looked up at him, tears still streaming down my face. He gently cupped my face and brushed them away. "I...I shouldn't have let you go...fuck, Dave, I'm so sorry..."

"N-no..." I said softly, my chest tightening as I suddenly found it difficult to breathe. "I-it...it w-was my f-f-fault. J-just like e-everything...c-cuz I'm a f-fuck up..."

"You're not a fuck up, Dave." James told me gently, which only made me sob harder. No matter what he said, David's words continued to haunt me until the pain in my chest was virtually unbearable. "I was the one that fucked up. I should have done something, I should have known...oh fuck, Dave, I'm so sorry..."

He carefully swept me into his arms, picking me up bridal style as he carried me out of the alley. I wrapped my arms around his neck, still crying softly into his shirt. I lifted my face for a brief moment, noticing that Rob had somehow found the place James had described. He gently set me into the back seat and sat next to me, and I laid my head in his lap as he silently stroked my hair.

I closed my eyes as my sobs quieted to soft cries, and felt myself begin to fall from reality as James picked me up again and carried me into the hospital. The room finally fell silent as my world faded to black.

A FEW DAYS LATER

_I'm lost._

_I don't know how, or when I got here, but I need to get back home._

_The only thing I remember is fading to black, then white, then opening my eyes to the black sky above me. I had slowly sit up, surprised to feel no pain where my ex-bandmates had kicked and beaten me. Cautiously, I had gotten to my feet, making my way across the open plain in front of me._

_I had been walking for days, it seemed. In the beginning, I had walked across the open plain of whatever this place was, but soon encountered the forest I currently traversed. The sky above me was dark, but I could still see where I was going, despite the darkness and the thick woods I walked._

_Even though I felt no pain where my ex-bandmates had beaten me, I still felt a deep, longing pain in my chest the longer I was here. I missed the guys. I missed James. He had saved me so many times...I wondered how he was doing. I wonder if he misses me too._

_I wonder if he's even still attracted to me. Though he had assured me that my ex-bandmates words were untrue, I had been deeply affected and felt like breaking down whenever David's speech crossed my mind again. The pain, though slightly numbed, was still there, and would likely remain for a long time._

_I felt a few tears drip down my cheeks, and stopped my seemingly endless walk, sliding to the ground and sitting with my back against a tree. I buried my face in my arms and softly sobbed to myself. I just wanted to go home. I didn't even know where I was. Was I dead? Close to it? Was this where people went when they weren't...quite dead, but severely injured?_

_A sudden light pierced through the darkness, and I looked up, the thick forest in front of me clearing away. I slowly stood up, watching the branches slowly move apart until a pathway was formed. With slight hesitation, I proceeded forward, looking about the place in awe._

_"Dave!" an all-too familiar voice called, and my gaze snapped forward, my eyes widening when I saw who had called me._

_He just always seemed to find me, wherever I was._

_"James." I whispered, a smile making its way onto my face for the first time in a while. He grinned as I ran to him, wrapping my arms around him as a few tears still streamed down my face. I looked up at him, and he smiled softly before capturing my lips in a passionate kiss. I closed my eyes as I let myself lose myself in him, and rested my head on his chest when we separated._

_Was I dreaming? This felt too good to be true. Technically, since I was in this place instead of in the hospital in the waking world, I assumed I was dreaming._

_"How did you find me?" I asked._

_"I came to bring you home." he explained. I nodded, realizing that this was my mind trying to wake me up. I wasn't sure what was happening with me in the real world, but I guessed that I had been out for a few days, and my mind was ready to wake._

_I let him take my hand and lead me along. With every step, the pain in my chest increased, but I tried to hide it. As the light in front of me brightened, I realized that the places my ex-bandmates had kicked and beaten me were beginning to hurt, as if the numbness was dissipating as I returned to reality._

_The light in front of me brightened, and I closed my eyes as the pain in my chest became unbearable, and I was finally swallowed by the brightness._

_"..."_

"..."

"...?"

My eyes slowly opened, and I winced at the bright lights overhead. Blinking a few times, I let my eyes adjust to the stark, white room before I was able to fully look around. A quick scan of the place told me that I was, in fact, lying in a hospital bed, with a heart monitor beeping steadily beside me.

I felt my chest twist as I remembered the words of my ex-bandmates, and suddenly, the gravity of the situation hit me full force. My eyes watered and I suddenly found it difficult to breathe. I was a fuck up. I had run away from James, when he was only trying to stop me from getting myself into this condition. David was right.

For the first time, I noticed something warm beside my right arm, and looked down, only to see James sitting beside me, resting with his head by my hand. Despite being overjoyed to see him in the other world I was in moments prior, I couldn't feel any sort of happiness now. It was as if that world I had been traversing had numbed the pain of the effects David's words had had on me.

I stayed silent as tears began to stream down my face, and I stared at the ceiling as the speech replayed over and over. Even though I had heard words like that before from all of them, what he had said to me was completely him. I had a feeling that Shawn and Chris had manipulated David into turning against me, but what he had said to me was all him. They had no say in it.

After all David and I had been through before he betrayed me...his words were what pushed me over the edge into a bottomless pit I feared I'd never escape.

I noticed James stirring beside me, and felt another stabbing pain in my chest. I didn't deserve him. He was always there, he would always find me, he would always save me...but for what? Was I really worth it?

"Dave..." he whispered, looking up and smiling upon seeing me awake. However, his smile suddenly disappeared when he noticed the tears dripping down my cheeks, and reached forward to gently wipe them away. "Oh, Dave..."

I said nothing, as I felt like speaking was unnecessary at this point. Even if I wanted to say something, I wouldn't be able to think of anything that could fix this. James could try to help me, but somehow I knew that I wouldn't be climbing from the hole any time soon.

ONE WEEK LATER

"Dave, please, talk to me." James begged, and I let out a shaky breath, still blankly staring at the ceiling. Try as he might, not even he could heal the deep wounds left by my ex-bandmates' words. I knew that I would recover physically, as I already had for the most part, but the mental scars ran deeper than any of the injuries inflicted on my body.

"They said they're releasing you today." James told me, but the words had no effect. "You'll need to get some rest, but they said you should be fine." Again, I kept my eyes on the ceiling, not wanting to risk speaking and falling apart. James sighed. "Dave, you'll have to talk to me soon. I need to know what's wrong so I can help."

_You can't_. I thought, closing my eyes to keep from breaking down. James sighed, gently stroking my hair and placing a soft kiss on my forehead. I opened my eyes and he gave me a hopeful look, but I looked away, letting myself get lost in my thoughts again.

Even through the process of getting cleared to leave, James helping me up, me changing clothes, and being led to the car outside, I still stared straight ahead, no emotion visible on my face. When I was putting on my regular clothes, I had caught a glance of myself in the mirror and nearly broke down at the sight.

I had looked awful. My face and arms were covered in bruises and cuts, and my eyes held no emotion but deep hopelessness and defeat. It seemed like I was finally giving up.

I stared out the window, watching the city rush by. James had an arm around me, and his other hand was rubbing soft circles into the back of my hand. I rested my head on his shoulder and sighed, my chest still aching with every second.

"Kirk's back at the house." James commented, and I looked up at him. "He's okay, if you were wondering. He's...a little on edge, if you will, but we think he's gonna be alright. Lars has been by his side ever since this whole thing."

I nodded, leaning against the window now and watching the blur of the city rushing by once again. I knew that I'd need to talk to James sooner or later, but at the moment, I felt like if I tried explaining, I would just break down before I told him what's truly plaguing me.

"Alright..." Rob, who was driving, called from the front seat. I looked up, realizing that we had arrived at the house. James took my hand, leading me up the steps and inside. He draped an arm over my shoulders, leading me to my room.

"You should rest." he told me. "I'll be right down the hall if you need me. Just remember, Dave, when you're ready to talk to me..."

His words trailed off as I averted my eyes to the floor. He sighed before pulling me close, wrapping his arms around me and placing a kiss on my forehead. He gave me a reassuring smile before retreating to his room, and I quickly entered my own, shutting the door and flopping onto the bed. I buried my face in the pillow as tears streamed down my face, unable to stop the words from replaying in my mind.

I had been thrown into the maze with no escape.

I had fallen into the bottomless pit with no way of climbing out.

I was just a hopeless cause.

THAT NIGHT

My eyes shot open and I quickly sat up, burying my face in my hands as I attempted to compose myself. Ever since waking up from that other world I had been brought to, I had been assaulted by nightmares every single night. And each time, James would be there for me, but tonight, he wasn't.

I could have called for him. I could have gone over there and he'd understand. I should have done that.

But right now, I wasn't thinking like that. I just wanted to end this pain.

With a sinking feeling, I slowly stood up, quietly making my way out of the room and into the kitchen. My mind was screaming at me to stop, that this wasn't me, but I didn't care. Something had to make this pain stop, and there was only one thing that could.

I hadn't done this in so long. I had given it up years ago, as it had only caused me more pain than it numbed. But I didn't care right now. I needed to take my mind off the words that haunted me every second of every day.

I slowly opened the refrigerator, relief washing over me when I noticed what I needed. Quickly grabbing my prize, I closed the door and examined the thing I held. This could destroy what I have with the guys and James, but it can also take away the horrible pain of the mental wounds that refused to heal.  
In the end, I ended up thinking for myself. Just like always.

I slowly slid to the floor with the bottle of alcohol in my hand, taking a long drink and letting it chase my torment away.


	8. Chapter Eight

THE NEXT MORNING

It wasn't the blinding morning light shining onto my face that awakened me. It wasn't the pounding in my head that brought me back to the waking world. It wasn't even the barely noticeable regret I felt about my actions that was drowned by the relief and want to repeat them.

It may have been all three that began to wake me, but what truly brought me from my drunken haze was the frantic shaking and yelling from a third party.

"Dave!" someone was shouting, though I could barely hear it. It felt as though I was floating in a cloud, trapped within an impenetrable fog. I felt hands grab my shoulders, and soon, gentle shaking. "No, no, no...DAVE!"

My eyes suddenly shot open, but I closed them as soon as the sunlight hit my face. I groaned, leaning further onto the wall. Slowly opening my eyes again, I let them adjust to the brightness before I was able to survey where I was.

As expected, James was kneeling in front of me, a mixture of terror, concern, sadness, and a few other emotions visible on his face. I looked down, four empty bottles beside me, and a half empty one still weakly grasped in my hand.

"Oh, Dave..." James murmured, closing his eyes and shaking his head. "What have you done...?"

I was about to answer him, but suddenly felt a wave of nausea come over me, and I instantly jumped up, ignoring the throbbing pain in my head. I dashed to the bathroom, kneeling by the toilet and emptying the contents of my stomach. I breathed heavily, flushing the toilet and leaning back against the wall. James appeared at the doorway a moment later, holding a glass of water and some pills. I took it gratefully, feeling an overwhelming sense of deja vu as I realized that I was in the exact same position I was in all the years ago, before I was kicked out of Metallica for being a hopeless drunk.

I slowly rose from the floor, leaning heavily against the wall. James offered a hand, but I simply brushed past him and back to the kitchen. Looking down at the spot I had passed out in, I sighed as I picked up the empty bottles, but kept the half empty one in my hand. I stared at it, wondering if it would really do me any good. Had it last night? Fuck yes.

As I was massively hungover, I realized that I had been focusing on that so much that I had momentarily forgotten my physical and mental pain. I exhaled sharply as David's words echoed in my head, but before I could take a drink, James grabbed my wrist.

"Dave, please." he began, looking into my eyes with desperation. "I know what you're going through, but this---"

"Y-you...you d-d-don't..." I whispered, my voice hoarse from disuse. After all, it was the first I had said anything in almost two weeks. "Y-you don't k-know. You...have no fucking idea."

"Dave, listen." James said. "I understand. I know that it hurts right now, but I promise that it will be okay."

"Everyone says that." I muttered. I felt the darker side of me, the side that had emerged on the night of the altercation begin to take over as I shot him a glare. This was how I was back in the day, before I had been kicked out. I would become a different person when drunk. "Everyone says that 'it gets better'...but it never does. I thought it was all over. I was putting my band back together, after my old bandmates would relentlessly abuse me when they were mad. I thought I was rid of them, and they fucking did it again."

I raised the bottle to take a drink, but James grabbed my wrist again, and I gave him a look of death as he simply stared at me with pleading eyes.

"Dave, please, I beg of you..." he whispered. I rolled my eyes.

"Begging does nothing, James." I growled. I wrenched my wrist away from him and turned away, downing the entire bottle before turning back. I grabbed the front of his shirt and leaned really close to his face. "Do you know how much I begged for them to stop? They could've fucking killed me, but they refused to stop beating me. In fact, begging only seemed to fuel the fire."

"Dave, you can't do this." he told me firmly, freeing himself from my grasp. "I can't let you destroy yourself again."

"Or what?" I snarled. "You'll kick me out?" A smirk spread across his face. "You wouldn't. You couldn't. You care too much."

"Fine." he stated, his bright blue eyes beginning to water. "You want to tear everything apart again? You want to go back to what caused this whole thing in the beginning? You know, if you had stopped drinking back in the day, we wouldn't have kicked you out, and you wouldn't have ended up like this. But it's fine. Just destroy yourself again."

"Your fucking reverse psychology isn't gonna work on me!" I yelled as he shook his head and left the room. I picked up the last beer bottle, opening it and taking a long drink. I stumbled after him, refusing to let him win. He turned around, tears dripping down his cheeks.

"Fuck, Dave, I never wanted this!" he shouted, attempting to grab my wrist again, but I was faster. I moved away at the last moment, taking a step back and refusing to give up the alcohol. He reached toward me again, but I dashed away, taking another long drink and letting at least one-fourth of the liquid slide down my throat before I gave him another look of death. "Look at you! You're becoming the person you used to be! The person that ruined everything you had! Do you really want to go back there?"

"Fuck off already!" I hollered, roughly shoving him away and downing the rest of the bottle before searching the fridge again. I growled to myself as I noticed that the pack I had grabbed last night was the last. I rolled my eyes, grabbing my keys as I made my way to the front door. Before I could exit, James grabbed my arm again, pulling me back.

"You're not leaving." he put in, and my eyes widened, flashbacks of all the times my ex-bandmates had said it rushing through my mind. Fear turned to rage as I drew back a fist and punched him hard across the face, and he actually stumbled back a bit.

"I won't let you control me ever again." I hissed through clenched teeth, swinging the door open and slamming it behind me. Though I couldn't drive in my current state, I knew that the liquor store wasn't far, and I'd do whatever it took to get another fix.

I was already addicted. Deep down, I knew that this was wrong, that I should go back inside, apologize, and promise to stop, but my other side won, like it always had in the early days.

I knew that I would destroy myself. But right now...that was a better option than the pain that constantly plagued my mind.

WEEKS LATER

A position I had grown accustomed to over the weeks was the one I was in right now: slumped against any hard surface, a bottle of some alcoholic beverage in each hand. Despite James' attempts to stop me, I always found a way to get to the liquor store and get my fix. It had even escalated to where he would take the stuff from me as soon as I arrived home, resulting in me having to drink in the parking lot like some kind of bum.

Just as I knew it would, the pain from David's words had faded until it was nearly undetectable. I didn't care what James said; drinking wasn't destroying me, it was helping me through my issues. Just as it had in the past.

When I got drunk, the near-constant pain I felt would always disappear. I may have become a different person, as the violent, drunk me was much more hostile than sober me had ever been, but it was a sacrifice I could make.

"Alright...Dave, I can't do this..." James muttered, coming over to me and yanking one of the bottles from my hand. He grabbed for the other one, but I smacked his hand away, downing the rest of the alcohol before throwing the empty bottle to the carpet, smirking up at him. He rolled his eyes as he gripped my arm and pulled me up, much to my chagrin.

"What the fuck does that mean?!" I shouted, shoving him away and grabbing for the bottle he had taken from me. "So you're finally kicking me out again?!"

"No, _we're_ leaving." he told me. I gave him a confused look.

"Wait, what?" I asked. " _You_ guys are leaving? Where are you going? You're just gonna leave me here, now?"

"Listen, we'll be back." he assured, and I groaned at the caring tone of his voice. How he still cared about me after all this, I had no idea. "We just...I can't do this right now."

"Where the fuck are you even gonna go?!" I snapped, finally yanking the bottle from his hand and downing the rest of it in one swift motion. I heard a soft creak beside me, and turned to see Lars and Kirk leaving the room they had been in, along with Rob. Lars gave me a hurt look and I shot him a glare. "The fuck do you want, huh?"

I growled and threw the bottle to the floor, stomping away from James and refusing to meet his eyes. Kirk whimpered at the violent display and moved closer to Lars, who wrapped his arms around the terrified guitarist.

"It's okay, Kirk." Lars said softly. "He's not gonna hurt you. No one is, no one will ever again. He's just drunk." He sighed as he ran his hand through Kirk's dark curls as he continued to give me that same pathetic stare. "It's alright, baby." He gently kissed Kirk's forehead. "Shh."

"Oh, get a load of this!" I shouted, and Lars rolled his eyes before leading Kirk away. James put an arm out to stop me, but I continued to yell at them even as they walked to the door. "I fucking knew you guys had something!"

"Dave, what have you become?" Lars asked in a small, scared voice. I threw my hands up and laughed.

"What have _I_ become?!" I yelled. "I haven't _become_ anything! Nothing's wrong with me! Since you guys couldn't help me with my problems to save your fucking lives, I had to become my own fucking therapist! It seems to be working better than anything you guys could have done!"

"Guys, go outside." James told them, and they quickly obliged, leaving James and I staring each other down in the living room.

"The fuck?" I muttered.

"Dave, if you don't stop this..." James began.

"You'll what?!" I growled, grabbing the front of his shirt and leaning really close to his face. "Kick me out?! It's about fucking time! Since I've apparently 'become' something now!" My eyes narrowed. "Listen, I know that you've been trying to stop me for weeks now, but I can tell you one thing: it's not gonna fucking work. Do you know what it's like to be a slave to your own band?! Do you know what it's like to be abused for fucking years by the people you once called friends?! Obviously not, since you were over here living your fucking perfect life after _kicking me out_! So don't act like you can fucking control my life again because I'm fucking _done with that!!_ "

Without warning, James grabbed my wrists and pushed me against the wall. I stared up at him in shock and terror, all traces of rage disappearing as flashbacks of my ex-bandmates doing the exact same thing began to play in my mind. Though he hadn't slammed me against the wall, or gripped my arms as hard as they had, I had no idea what he could do right now. I was actually afraid of him.

"I didn't want it to come to this." he spoke in a low tone. "But you need to listen, and you need to get it through. Dave, you need to wake up. What you've become...this isn't you. You've become a monster. You're becoming like _them_."

"I'm nothing like them!" I shouted, but James stopped me.

"You're drunk virtually all the time, you're screaming at everyone who tries to help, and you've even hit me a few times!" he put in. My eyes widened, but he didn't stop there. "You've told me the stories: they started beating you when they were drunk, and it soon escalated to just abusing you, sober or not! Is that what you want to become?! Like the people that nearly killed you and caused you all this pain?!"

"I...I..." I was at a loss for words, but James kept going.

"Do you have any idea how much it hurts to see you like this again?!" he pressed on. "This is why I kicked you out in the first place! You know I care about you, dammit, Dave, I fucking _love_ you, but you just keep destroying yourself! You're becoming the person you were in the past, the person that caused this whole thing! If you weren't like this, you would have never been kicked out! But now, you're becoming a monster, destroying the relationships you fought so hard to build. I should have known. You've become just like them."

" _NOOO!_ " I screamed as James released me, and I fell to my knees. I buried my face in my hands as tears streamed down my cheeks. "I'm not like them, I-I'm not...I'm n-n-not like th-them..."

In an instant, James was beside me, and he pulled me close, running his fingers through my hair. I buried my face in his chest as I sobbed, and he said nothing, simply holding me as I cried.

"It's okay, Dave." he said softly.

"N-no...you're right, oh god, you're right..." I choked out. "I've become a monster. I've become just like them..."

"You're not like them." he told me. "You can change things. I can tell. They wouldn't do this. They'd just continue to drink until those words were forgotten."

"H-h-how can y-you even...stand t-to stay with me?" I whimpered. "I'm such a fucking hopeless drunk...I'm just like them...fuck, James, I'm so sorry..."

"Goddammit, Dave." he whispered. I looked up at him and he brushed the tears from my cheeks. "You heard me, I care about you. I love you."

"Y-you love...me?" I asked timidly.

"So fuckin' much." he said with a faint smile. "I love you, always have, and always will."

"Fuck, James, I love you too." I breathed. "Please...please help me..."

"I promise." he said. "Listen, it's gonna be difficult. It's gonna be hard, but I swear I will always be here for you. I'll stay by your side through thick and thin, just like I have since the beginning. Everything's gonna be okay in the end. Things will get better. Trust me."

A very faint smile came to my face as I rested my head on his chest again. "I trust you." I told him, the most sincere promise I had ever said. "I'm...I'm gonna get better. I'm gonna fix myself. I swear."

No more words were needed as he pulled me close and pressed his lips to mine, as we both knew that the promises we had made were unbreakable.


	9. Chapter Nine

WEEKS LATER

Right from the start, I somehow knew that the room James had given me in the beginning wouldn't be mine for very long. The moment we had gotten together, I knew that eventually, I'd move into his room.

Sure, I didn't know it would be so soon, but I knew it would happen.

Just like he had promised, James had stayed by my side for the past few weeks, and never gave up on me. Though I had basically given up on myself, he had somehow pulled me out of the "bottomless" pit the words of my ex-bandmates had thrown me into.

After James had woken me up and gotten me to realize the monster I was becoming, I had promised that I would get better. In the beginning, it was extremely difficult to just stop drinking after I had been doing it for those last weeks. I had suffered several relapses over these past few weeks, but James was always there for me, through thick and thin.

Right now, I had been sober for two weeks, and planned to stay that way for good. James had shown me what the drinking was doing to me, and I had vowed to get away from the person I became when drunk. I didn't want to be a monster. I didn't want to become my ex-bandmates.

I wanted things to get better. And from the looks of it...things are finally beginning to come together. 

This time, I'd make sure they stayed that way.

As I ran this over in my head, I tossed and turned, feeling slightly empty for some reason. I reached across the bed, attempting to find James, but I couldn't feel him next to me.

That was another thing that had changed over these past few weeks. I had pretty much moved into James' room, as I would stay here every night and sleep next to him. As I had begun to recover, we decided to resume the relationship we had established before this whole mess had begun, and the bond we shared now was somehow stronger than ever before. The nightmares of my ex-bandmates had ceased for the most part, and would only appear about once or twice a week. Each time it happened, I was instantly comforted by James telling me he loves me and will always be here for me.

I would wake up every morning feeling safe and secure, wrapped in his arms, but this morning was a different story. I still felt fine, but as I entered the waking world, I couldn't help but feel a bit hollow.

I slowly opened my eyes, squinting against the bright morning sunlight. I was surprised to see that James was not laying beside me, but relaxed when I heard his voice in the hall. Smirking to myself, I attempted to hear what he was saying, which wasn't exactly difficult. Though he could be quiet at certain times, he had a voice that carried, which could probably be heard from a mile away if he tried.

From the sounds of it, he was talking on the phone, but I had know idea who it could be. It sounded as though he was directly outside the room, trying not to wake me. I slowly rose from the bed and made my way to the bathroom, still listening in on the conversation.

"...yeah, I just...wow, I don't even know what to say." James was saying happily. As I did my morning routine and got prepared for the day, I couldn't help but wonder who was on the other line. After a few minutes, I finished getting dressed and left the room, sitting on the bed and still attempting to hear the conversation. "Just...thank you so much for helping, it means so much to me and him."

Him? Was he talking about me?

"I got it." he said. "Alright, I'll definitely tell him. Thank you again."

At that, he ceased the conversation and I laid back on the bed. A few moments passed before the door softly creaked open, and James made his way to the bed. He smiled upon seeing me, and I sat up as he took a place beside me.

"Morning, Dave." he said, and I felt a warm feeling in my chest as he gave me a quick peck on the lips.

"Hey." I whispered. "Who were you talking to out there?"

"Doesn't matter." he began, the calm mood suddenly turning serious as he shifted to face me and took my hands. "Listen, I need to tell you something." My face fell and his tone quickly changed. "No, it's nothing bad. It's about...well, it's about your ex-bandmates."

I felt a slight fear run through me, but it was instantly extinguished as he gently rubbed circles into the back of my hand with his thumb.

"It's okay, Dave." he spoke softly, giving me a soft kiss on the cheek. Even though we had been sort-of together for the past few months, I still felt my face heat up every time he was sweet to me. "Alright...I guess I'll start from the beginning. So, a couple months ago, I started talking to some...legal people, I guess. I had to make sure that they would never hurt you again. After several sessions with all those lawyers and whatnot...they're gone. They're locked up, not even in this state anymore. You never have to worry about them hurting you again."

My eyes widened and I felt like I couldn't breathe. He had gone out of his way to get my abusive ex-bandmates put away so they would never be able to even go near me. No longer would I have to wake up sobbing in the night, terrified that they would come back for me one day.

It felt like I was in a dream as tears began to drip down my cheeks, and my face spread into a wide grin. James simply smiled, pulling me into his arms and running a hand through my hair, which he knew I always loved.

"James..." I whispered. "I...I don't even know what to say. Just...oh my god...James, I...thank you, thank you so much..."

"I had to do this for you." he told me. I looked up at him, and he gently brushed the tears from my cheeks. "I never want to see you hurt again. You deserve to be happy, you don't deserve to be abused by those monsters. I love you, Dave, and I'll always stay by your side."

"Fuck." I sobbed, though instead of the crippling depression I had felt for months, it was out of pure happiness. Tears of joy, if you will. I never felt like I deserved him, but his words just now had brought something new to me. He made me feel wanted, like I actually had a purpose other than to just fuck up all the time. "James...just...thank you, thank you...I love you...fuck, I love you so fuckin' much..."

He gently cupped my face and captured my lips with his own, and my heart soared as I closed my eyes and kissed him back. He pushed me back on the bed and climbed on top of me as things began to get heated. I slid my hands up his shirt as his tongue entered my mouth, and I moaned softly as he carded his fingers through my hair. This was all I needed right now, really: just making out was good enough, it didn't need to escalate to anything else.

However, our little session was soon interrupted by my phone ringing on the nightstand, and I rolled my eyes as James sat up and simply smirked. I grabbed it and he snickered, climbing off me and opting to lay beside me. Giving a quick glance to the caller ID, I smiled a bit when I saw that it was Jamie, who I had finally gotten to talk to after all this time.

As I had recovered, I had gotten back to my attempts to put a new version of Megadeth back together, which was going well at the moment. Marty had finally given in and told me that he was ready to join, Nick had been all for it from the beginning, and I had talked to Jamie, who told me he would join after he had thought about it for a few days.

The band was coming back, and we were coming back strong.

"What?" I muttered, in a tone between annoyed and amused. "I'm with James, we're kinda busy, if you must know."

"Cockblocked!" Marty shouted from the background, laughing. I rolled my eyes, but the smirk stayed on my face. The guys completely accepted James and I being together, and would always find ways to tease me about it. I was fine with that; it had been so long since I could joke around with my bandmates.

Bandmates. Thinking of people in a band with me that didn't relentlessly abuse me every day always brought a smile to my face.

"Hey, we're coming over." Jamie told me, and I grinned.

"Right." I told him. "We're gonna get this new song figured out."

"Of course." he said. "It's a fuckin' awesome song, I don't know if I've told you that yet."

"Well, thanks, man, and yes, you have told me that." I remarked with a grin. "Every time we play it you tell me. Don't worry, I haven't forgotten. I wrote it, of course it's gonna be fuckin' awesome."

"Yeah, yeah." he grumbled, though the amusement stayed in his voice. "Anyway, yeah, we'll be there soon. See ya, dude."

"Bye." I snickered, setting my phone to the side as soon as he had hung up. I turned back to James, who was looking over me with a smile.

"You're so much happier." he commented, and I smiled a bit. "You've changed so much over these past few months. It's just...I love this new side of you. It's like you went back to the person you used to be before this whole mess, but personality-wise. The whole laid-back, sarcastic attitude...it's been a while since I've seen that."

"You helped bring that back, you know." I told him, and he grinned. I stood up and he followed suit, giving me a quick peck on the lips before heading back to his own room. I grabbed my guitar case and made my way to the living room, setting it on the couch and staring out the window, waiting for the guys to arrive. I noticed Kirk watching me from the kitchen, and he gave me a small smile, which I returned.

"Hey, man." I greeted as I made my way over to him. He grinned a bit.

"Hey." he said softly. Ever since the attack, he had been extremely on edge around everyone, but now, he was pretty much recovered, like myself. Since I had been sober, I hadn't fought with any of them, and things were much better between all of us.

I took that moment to mention something I somehow hadn't yet. "So...you and Lars?" I asked. His eyes widened and he blushed a bit.

"Heh, yeah." he admitted, letting his dark curls fall over his face as he averted his gaze to the floor. "Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't figure it out before. It's always been pretty obvious to everyone. We've been going out for almost three years now, and pretty much everyone knows."

"Well, just know that I don't have a problem with it." I told him, putting a hand on his shoulder. He looked up at me and smiled. I went to say something else, but a knock at the door interrupted my train of thoughts. "That's the guys."

I quickly dashed to the door, throwing it open with a grin. As I knew, Marty, Nick, and Jamie were standing outside, all their equipment in tow.

"Ready?" Marty asked. I simply nodded.

We weren't just ready to rehearse - we were ready to come back.

HOURS LATER

"That's...that's it!" I shouted, a grin on my face as the song we had recorded played throughout the house. "It's done...it's finally done..."

I was barely aware of the guys cheering and giving each other high-fives behind me, as my thoughts were focused only on the song I had finally finished after months of writing. Sure, what we had recorded was only a demo, but once we actually got into the studio, it would be a kickass comeback song.

"Dude, we...we gotta get back out there." Nick put in, snapping me from my reverie. I turned to him with a grin.

"You mean...do a comeback tour?" I asked and he nodded.

"I second that." Marty put in and Jamie nodded as well.

"We should..." I commented. "Tell you what: we get this song recorded, we come up with a few other songs, and we get back on the road."

"Good plan." Jamie said and I grinned. I felt a warm feeling in my chest as I ran it by in my head. This new version of Megadeth I had put together was now planning a huge comeback tour. My eyes watered a bit as visions of all of us rocking out on stage flashed through my mind, and I rubbed my eyes to keep the tears of happiness from falling.

"Aww, Dave's gettin' emotional!" Marty remarked and I laughed, lightly punching him in the arm.

"I am not..." I muttered with a smile. Nick draped an arm over my shoulders and I grinned, feeling like I could take over the world.

My bandmates...my _brothers_...we were actually going to get back out there, as the band we should have always been.

Judging by how things were right now, I knew that the tour we were planning would be the best damn tour Megadeth had ever done.

LATER

One of the greatest feelings in the world is the state of being completely immersed in the task you're doing at the moment. It was a feeling I got quite often when I played guitar; I would become absorbed in my playing, oblivious to the world around me.

Other times, I could focus on both playing and whatever other thoughts I was having at the time.

For instance, right now, I was sitting on the couch, shredding the riffs to the new song, as well as waiting for James to return from the store. I had placed a slip of paper on the counter that he would no doubt see when he came back, a paper that stated the recent plans I had discussed with Megadeth.

The headline is what he would see first - in huge letters, we had written "MEGADETH PLANNING BIG TOUR".

I smiled to myself when I heard the door unlock and open, and resumed my playing, acting as though I hadn't been waiting for him. The door closed, and the sound of bags being set on the floor sounded from the kitchen before all noise paused. My fingers slowly came to a stop as I peered into the kitchen, where James was reading the paper I had placed on the counter. He caught me looking at him and gave me a smirk, making his way over to the couch. I set my guitar to the side as he sat beside me and draped an arm over my shoulders.

"When were you gonna tell me about this 'big tour'?" he asked with a grin.

"It's just a plan for now." I explained. "Nothing's set in stone. We're just...planning it right now."

"You know..." he began, setting the paper to the side and taking my hands. "You've changed so much over the past few months. I know that it's been difficult, but you didn't lose hope. Sure, there were roadblocks, but if you had truly given up, you wouldn't be here, planning this 'big tour'. I'm just...so happy to see you like this again, after so long."

No other words were needed, as I simply smiled and pulled him close. I closed my eyes as he captured his lips with my own, and an overwhelming sense of peace and love came over me as he kissed me with all the passion he had. He climbed on top of me as things began to escalate, and I suddenly felt something different. I didn't just want him like this. I wanted more from him.

I wanted him...to make me his.

"W-wait." I whispered, placing my hands on his chest and gently pushing him back. He looked into my eyes, slightly confused. "James, I...I'm ready."

"What?" he breathed. "Are...are you sure? I don't want you to feel pressured or anything."

I smiled, gazing deep into his crystal blue eyes. "James, I love you, more than anything." I told him. "I...I want to do this. I want to give myself to you."

He simply smiled, leaning down and pressing his lips to mine once again. I slipped my tongue into his mouth and he moaned lightly, wrapping his arms around my back and picking me up. He carried me to his room as our tongues collided, fighting for dominance. Gently throwing me onto the bed, he straddled me once again, kissing me with desire and need.

My breathing sped up as he moved down and began to kiss my neck, sucking on the sensitive skin and no doubt leaving a hickey, but I didn't care. His hand trailed down my body and I shivered at his touch. I moaned as he palmed the front of my jeans, my pants beginning to grow tighter.

He growled slightly as I slid his shirt off his body, and I shivered again. It wasn't a malicious sound by any means; it was a sound that turned me on more than ever before. I lifted my arms as he removed my shirt, and I gazed into his eyes as he looked upon me, one hand gently cupping my face.

"James..." I whispered. "Make love to me."

That night, the dreams I had been having for months came true as James finally made me his, something I never would have known I wanted all those weeks ago.


	10. Chapter Ten

THE NEXT MORNING

Something kind of funny about sleeping next to someone every night is that you don't realize how much you need it until you have it.

It's crazy, really; if someone had told me I'd be where I am right now months ago, I never would have believed them. When I was with Megadeth, being abused by my now ex-bandmates, I had basically resigned myself to that life. I never thought things could get better. I always thought I would just remain a slave to my own band, relentlessly beaten every day when I made a simple mistake.

Then James came along. I had always wondered what would have happened to me if he hadn't found out about the abuse when he did. I had thought about what may have happened if the Metallica guys hadn't come into the coffee shop I had been sitting in all those months ago. That encounter was what ignited his suspicion in the first place. If he hadn't shown up...I would probably still be living with the Megadeth guys, being abused by my own band, the people I had once considered best friends, even brothers.

In the past, I had wondered where I would be now if they had never started beating me. We would probably still be together, be successful, and I'd probably still be living with that empty feeling I often felt from being kicked out of Metallica. Though that hollow, broken feeling was long dead by now, it would likely still be alive if the Megadeth guys had never started abusing me.

It was well known that I had trouble letting go of things. For years, I had been so depressed about being kicked out of Metallica, and when my ex-bandmates had started abusing me, I had been made to believe that I was a fuck-up for all the time I was with them.

The only person that could pull me out of the hole I had dug myself into was lying beside me right now.

Slowly opening my eyes, I smiled to myself as my gaze fell upon James sleeping next to me. He had an arm wrapped around me, and I had my head resting on his chest. We were both naked, and I grinned as my face heated up, remembering what we had done last night. That was the best sex I'd ever had.

Not wanting to get up just yet, I simply opted to watch the peaceful, sleeping face of James. Of course, I knew that he was a handsome man, but sometimes, when I would really gaze upon his features, I realized just how beautiful he is. Honestly...meeting him, being friends with him, entering this relationship with him...it was the greatest thing that had ever happened to me. Despite the history between us, all of that had been forgotten and put to rest, as holding onto the past only made things worse.

It had taken me a long time to realize this, but now that I had, things were finally looking up. I was in a relationship with the man I've loved since the beginning of Metallica. I was putting Megadeth back together, with the people whom I should have kept all along. Marty, Nick, Jamie...they were like brothers to me. This new lineup would be so much more successful than any of the other ones I'd had in the past.

I smiled at the memory of James finding out about the tour we're planning. Of course, I had planned it, but I had not expected that my little surprise would lead to...what it did. Throughout the various rehearsals, we had discussed the possibility of a reunion tour, and now, I knew I was ready for it.

I let my eyes slip closed as I laid back down, resting my head on James' chest again. He shifted a bit and pulled me closer, and I smiled. I was his, and he was mine.

I didn't need to think of the past anymore. All we had was now.

Judging by how things were right now, I had a feeling the future was going to be good.

A FEW WEEKS LATER

"Well...this is it." Marty began with a grin. I glanced outside, feeling slight fear run through me as my gaze fell upon the huge van parked outside.

This was it. After weeks of planning, it was finally time for the comeback tour. Of course, I was nervous as hell, but I tried not to let it show, as the guys were extremely excited to get back on the road after so long.

"Yeah..." I said. The whole thing still felt surreal to me. Marty crossed the room and put a hand on my shoulder.

"You okay?" he asked. I looked down, noticing that my hands were shaking. I gave him a hesitant nod.

"I'm just nervous." I admitted, running a hand through my hair. "It's been a while, you know."

"Well, hell." Marty remarked. "I didn't think someone like you would ever admit to being _nervous_."

"Are you?" I questioned. He nodded.

"It's been a while for me too, man." he explained. "I haven't performed on stage for a long time now. But you know what? I think---no, I know we got this. This is gonna be the best damn tour we've ever done."

"Right." I told him with a grin. I glanced back toward James and my room with a longing look. "I'll be right back."

He just nodded, dashing outside to the van as I turned and made my way to James and my room. I opened the door and James was sitting on the bed, playing guitar and staring straight ahead. As soon as he saw me, he smiled, setting his guitar to the side and standing up to meet me. I closed my eyes as he captured my lips with his own, and my arms found there way around his waist as we kissed.

As soon as we separated, I sighed as I rested my head on his chest. He gently stroked my hair and I smiled slightly.

"I'll miss you." he whispered and I sighed again. I felt my eyes water and James kissed my cheek. "Hey, it's okay. I'm actually really glad you're doing this." He put his hands on my shoulders and I looked up at him. "You've come a long way from day one. I knew you would find your way sooner or later."

I said nothing, only opting to bury my face in his chest once more, memorizing the feel of his arms around me.

"I love you." he said. I looked up at him and gave him a soft kiss on the lips.

"Love you too." I told him. All of a sudden, I heard high-pitched squealing from outside, and I snickered as one of my bandmates laid on the horn for about five seconds. "I gotta go."

"Alright." he stated with a smile. I ignored the screeches of my bandmates so I could give him one last kiss before I grinned and finally bounded out the door.

"Jeez!" I yelled, laughing. "Alright, I'm here! For fucks sake, do you know what patience is?! You're like little kids!"

"Gosh, _mom_." Nick muttered and I snickered. I'd missed this.

"Alright, guys, let's do this fuckin' thing!" Jamie yelled and we all cheered. Nick started up the van and sped away, tossing one of our old albums into the CD player and cranking it up. In that moment, we were all like kids again as we headbanged and screamed along to the music.

Whilst I was still a bit nervous when we arrived at the venue, I felt...ready for this. It wasn't often that I felt this motivated before a show, but then again, there were a lot of emotions I was feeling now that I had forgotten when I was with my ex-bandmates.

_No_ , I thought with a grin. _They don't matter now. They're who-the-fuck-knows-and-cares where. The only bandmates I need are the ones with me right now._

It seemed as though James' support and the energy of my bandmates was bringing out something new in me, something that had been buried for years. In the past, going on tour and playing a show seemed more like a chore, the same damn thing every night.

But now...I knew that we were going to tear wherever we went down for the next few months.

All because I had let the right people into my life.

THREE MONTHS LATER

"Did you use my shampoo?!" Marty yelled, though a grin was on his face. Nick shrugged and smirked.

"I don't know." he said simply. "My hair looks great, though! You're just jealous, Poodle Boy!"

I laughed. "Guys, I'm talking to James over here!" I called and James, who was on my phone screen video chatting me, was just laughing at the ridiculousness of my bandmates.

The craziness and energy we all had was one of the things that had kept me going for the past few months. In the beginning, it was a bit difficult to get back into it after so long, but with the constant support from my bandmates and the frequent video chats with James, this tour was going great.

The fans absolutely loved this new lineup. Back in the day, it seemed to be their favorite, and now that it was back, everyone was going wild every night at our shows.

"Shhhh, Nicky, he's talking to his boyfriend!" Marty shouted in a high-pitched voice as he clamped a hand over Nick's mouth.

"Ooohhh!" Nick squealed, and I shook my head at the ridiculous display. Why I hadn't kept them, I had no idea.

But that didn't matter. Like I said, all we have is now.

"What is going on with those two?" James asked with a grin and I shrugged.

"I have no idea." I told him. "They're just insane."

"Of course." he muttered with a smirk. "Anyway, so, how have things been goin' lately?"

"Pretty good." I explained. "Tonight was one of our best shows. Fuckin' tore the place down, like we always do. Great crowd, great set, just...it was amazing."

"Of course." he put in and I smiled.

"I miss you." I stated.

"Miss you too." he added. "Hey, where are you guys tonight?"

"Utah." I said. "Why?"

"Go outside." he commented. "There's no light pollution out there. You can see billions of stars."

Standing up, I made my way outside, opening the bus door and shivering a bit as the cool night air hit me. As I stepped out, I looked up at the sky in awe, gazing at the multitude of swirling stars and galaxies. The only light out here was from the bus, where in California, there was more light pollution. Sure, there were places to go to see the stars like this, but where I was right now seemed to be like this all the time. It was pretty much the middle of nowhere.

"Wow..." I breathed, awestruck by the sights before me. 

"Turn around." James said, but it didn't come from the phone. I was snapped from my reverie and my eyes widened as I slowly looked behind me.

Standing there, a small smile on his face and his blue eyes shining with happiness, was James.

"James." I whispered, a grin making its way onto my face as I ran to him. He wrapped his arms around me and I threw my own arms around him, unable to contain the happiness I felt. My heart soared as he pulled back only to capture my lips in a passionate kiss. I grabbed his jacket with clenched fists, needing him closer somehow.

"Did I surprise you?" he asked with a smirk as soon as we separated. I smiled and nodded.

"When did you get here?" I questioned.

"Just tonight." he explained. "I had to see you, so I decided to take a little mini road trip. I was looking at your tour schedule to see where you would be. This was the closest I could get, so I drove out here to see you again. It's quiet in the house when you're not there. Well, except at night, cuz...you know, Kirk and Lars..."

"Yeah, I know all about that." I told him with a snicker. He took one of my hands.

"Come on." he said, leading me away from the bus.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"Just for a walk." he put in quickly, and for the first time, I noticed that he seemed nervous. His hand was shaking, and his eyes were wide.

"Hey, are you okay?" I inquired and he nodded.

"Just...excited." he remarked. "I wanna show you something."

After a few minutes of walking in silence, we reached a huge open space, where I could really see the beauty of the night sky above. I stared in awe, taking in all the amazing details of each cluster of stars and swirling galaxies.

As I admired the night sky above me, James moved to stand in front of my and took my hands. I smiled and averted my gaze to look at him. He gave me a grin and a quick peck on the lips, and my cheeks heated up a bit. I was about to say something when, all of a sudden, he got down on his knees. My eyes widened.

"Dave." he began. "I have known you for most of my life. The first day we met, I immediately knew we had something. When you joined us, I began to develop this...sort of crush on you, if you will. Heh, look what that's turned into. I never expected it to go anywhere. When we made out on the balcony, when we kissed at that party...the feelings multiplied. I knew that you had them too. But, I was too scared to tell you, and even after we parted, they never died. These past few months have been some of the best of my life. Letting you back in was the greatest decision I'd ever made. I know we haven't been together long, but I've known you all my life. And I know that I wanna spend the rest of my life with you."

He paused for a moment to pull something out of his pocket. A ring.

"Dave, I love you with all my heart." he concluded. He held up the ring. "Will you marry me?"

"Yes!" I shouted with no hesitation. Tears of happiness streamed down my face as he smiled and stood up, taking me into his arms. He immediately pressed his lips to mine, and I wrapped my arms around his waist as we kissed passionately for a long moment.

As soon as we separated, I held out my hand, and he slipped the ring onto my finger. It fit perfectly, and shone bright, even in the darkness. I smiled, tears of joy still dripping down my cheeks, and he reached towards me to wipe them away.

No other words were needed as he pulled me into another passionate kiss, as I knew that my life from now on would no longer be a roller coaster of every emotion. A new chapter had just opened up, and this was only the first page.

Judging by how things were now, I knew that I would keep reading it for the rest of my life. Until the book was closed, I would continue to absorb every last word, as the pages from now on would be filled with only love and happiness.

THE END


End file.
